Question:
John’s
business trip abroad has been extended. This
news really devastated me – I am not sure why. I am really angry, disappointed,
and frustrated with it all. I have no choice though and I guess that is
why I am so angry. Yesterday, I cried all the way home from work – sobbed
along the highway, came into the house and continued the sobbing, along with
some screams and some “I can’t do this” and “I won’t do this,
again”. Why am I having such a hard time with the knowledge that he'll be
gone for another month? Why am I acting like such a baby? Is this normal?
Answer:
Though you may feel like there is
something terribly wrong with you, this kind of reaction is really quite normal. Why do we regress like children upon pain of
separation from our loved ones?
Blame it
on the limbic system, our primitive reptilian brain.
This limbic system is responsible
for emotional regulation and depends on how securely we are attached to our loved
ones and how attuned they are to us. Since
the limbic system stores templates of the emotional attachments we formed in early
childhood, adult love relationships can trip primitive neurobiological
wiring and trigger early childhood responses that cause us to “act like babies”.
Even in healthy adult relationships, separation
from our partners can trigger the same distress that we experienced as children
upon pain of separation from our mothers. Those of us with insecure attachments inscribed
in our primitive templates experience even higher levels of distress. Those of us who are repeatedly exposed to unforeseen or extended periods of separations that are not of our choosing (as you seem to be), even higher still.
The cure lies in relationship, i.e. in
developing a secure attachment that effectively contains dysregulated states like the ones you are describing so
that early childhood wounds are healed, and trust and comfort are restored. John Gottman recently wrote a book called The Science of Trust on
this subject which you may be interested in exploring.
I also encourage you and John to use Harville Hendrix’s famous mirror listening technique. Thanks to Oprah, here is a link that will explain to you how to do that.
