mind the gap

A colleague is counseling the husband of my friend.  He has not met with my friend but apparently feels qualified to diagnose her as “borderline”.  My colleague (a psychologist) thinks my friend has abandonment issues and has in fact suggested that her husband end the marriage for his own mental health.

This infuriates me.  As a couple/family therapist I am trained to look behind the client’s narrative at the hidden perspectives it may eclipse.  Even with that training, I can only hypothesize, speculate and surmise about someone’s perspective if they’re not in the room.  There will be gaps.  If my advice is based on a bias, as in the case of my colleague, it will be misguided, if not harmful, to my clients and their significant others. 

Without the input of persons’ attached to our clients, therapists cannot see the big picture.  We are not qualified to give third part diagnoses or relationship advice based on assumptions which fill in the gaps. 

We should get out of the way.

Individuality and relationship- PART TWO

I met someone recently who said he’d sacrificed his individuality in his previous marriage.  He used to defer to his wife, thinking that if he did what she asked, he would make her happy.  He thought this was the key to a successful marriage.  But his wife was unhappy, constantly complaining and criticizing.  In the end he was unable to satisfy her, and she rejected him and ended the relationship.

He left his marriage stripped of his identity, disconnected from all the things he used to like.  He had fallen into the “nice guy” trap and carried deep hurt around everything he had given up for his ex.

He stayed away from relationships for a while.

Now that he’s dating again, he’s scared of losing his individuality; and with good reason.  Nice guys usually end up either rejected by a chronically dissatisfied mate, or become chronically angry and resentful themselves.

So he’s trying to do what he wants when he wants; sticking to his plans and trying not to be swayed when he feels pressured by others’ needs (after all, he is a sensitive man).  This is not a bad strategy.  But it is still a defensive one.  And will likely drive away potential partners.

We need to avoid the extremes of personal sacrifice and ego-centrism, between negating our own needs and those of our partner’s.

But to do this we need to say what we want and need in an honest conversation.  This is something nice guys have a hard time doing.  But that is the necessary first step.

Individuality and relationship- PART ONE

A lot of people come into my office hoping they can fix themselves between relationships.  They think of therapy as a surgery or garage, a process that can reset your factory default settings before the screw-ups, before heartbreak, before hardship and scars.  They say, “I want to get healthy so I can have better relationships."

 

It doesn’t quite work that way.

On our own, we are one person.  In relationship, another.  (Unless we choose to remain a disconnected monad, a world unto ourselves, living in a parallel universe, i.e. not relating….)  

The only way to have a healthy relationship is to know ourselves, know our triggers and our past strategies, the ones that worked and the ones that didn’t, and try to do something different next time round.  We can figure that out in therapy but we cannot apply it.  It is like the difference between having a safe car and being a good driver.  

Relationships are where the rubber meets the road… 

The grass can always be greener

Like everything else, relationships are what we put into them. 

Of course the right conditions are indispensable but, beyond that, you need to actively tend your relationship. 

This involves three things which I like to compare to lawn care: 

1)      Locating and addressing your “issues”.  This is the weeding part, and the bulk of what I teach couples in therapy.  Unfortunately, most couples do this aggressively and almost exclusively, leading to an immaculate, though usually bald, lawn.  Even when it is well done, however, weeding alone is not enough. 

2)      Doing things together.  This is the seeding and watering that strengthens and builds your “turf”, the je ne sais quoi which defines you as a couple.  You can do this by going to the movies or out for dinner, playing sports together, or even just sitting around and talking.   

3)      Fertilizing.  Take a few minutes each day to tell your partner what you love and appreciate about him or her.  By telling each other what you love about each other, you give each other something which makes you feel good and just plain deepens the good feelings between you.  This enriches your relationship immeasurably, at very little cost, making it a really outstanding and beautiful experience.

Heads up

Hell is others
~Sartre

Yesterday I wrote a blog post on Reflections about a friend who jumped into deep water to save another man’s life.   He did so without thinking, based on trust, the heart of altruism.

In this blog post I am going to talk about the man my friend tried to save, the one who was drowning, who grabbed my friend and pulled him under. 

For some of us, relating to others is fraught with danger.  Maybe we were abused as children, or our caregivers’ love was conditional on their own satisfaction and we were used to make them feel good.  Or maybe we were just born that way: afraid of losing ourselves.  Whatever the reason, some of us grew up with the feeling of a hole where our hearts are, a void that remains difficult if not impossible for us to satisfy. 

Where relationships represent an answer to existential isolation- promising connection, love and fulfillment-, for those of us with a sense of void in our hearts, relating to others only deepens the wound, and increases our sense of alienation, of feeling separate and alone.
  
Desperate for healing yet unable to heal in relationship, we may search for palliative remedies in the form of extraordinary states, extreme feelings and heightened levels of consciousness.  But none of these permanently fills the void within us, and we end up in a constant, fruitless search for that elusive fix.  Like Sisyphus, we are damned to constantly push a boulder up a steep incline only to return to the bottom every time we reach the top.  We may turn to drugs, meditation or other means of transcending our misery.  The word depression means to dip or press down, but ours is a particular kind of depression: a dark and bottomless pit, the converse of our infinitely steep climb.

Because we are so heart-weak, we use others for an emotional transfusion to fortify us.  This makes us feel good.  But when we get into a conflict and stop feeling good, we have a hard time owning any thoughts, feelings, stories, and especially any errors, that remind us of that gaping inner lack.  We cannot compromise.  Someone else will have to do that.

Basically, since our fix must be in terms of an increase in our personal power, giving that up is simply not an option.

Altruism is a form of the word alter meaning other, l’autre, as in “ l‘enfer, c’est les autres.”  Altruism is the hallmark of those stable enough to put themselves aside and show up for someone else.  This is relating.  For those whose constant focus is themselves, others are hell, a drain on scarce resources.  There can be no relating.

What is your focus, where is your center?  Do you tend to be the donor or the receiver?  And perhaps more importantly: do others agree with you?

show some respect!

Respect yourself and others will respect you

~Confucius

Question:

How do I get others to respect me?

Answer :

I’m asked this question regularly; by parents in regards to their children, children in regards to their parents, by women in regards to men, and men in regards to women…

Everyone wants to know how to stop people from treating them in ways they don’t like.  They figure there must be something they can say or do to get them to change.

But they can’t.  Not anymore than posting the rules in my house can get anyone who enters my home to obey them.

I always ask people, “Who’s the only person you can control?”  And everyone always answers, “Myself” but then expects others to stop doing something they don't like when they ask them.

But it doesn’t work like that.  Even if you ask them politely, using your scary voice, or a megaphone.

So how do you get others to respect you?  By respecting yourself.

That means: if someone is treating you in ways you don’t like, then leave, end the conversation, hang up, go away, move into another room, whatever…  But don’t expect others to leave you alone, go away, shut up and do whatever you want them to.  Your boundaries are not their problem; they’re yours.   

Take care of your own boundaries and, if you don’t like how others are treating you, respect yourself and don't stick around.

Don't advise and explain

The other day I witnessed a painful dialogue between a husband and wife.  

The woman was telling her husband about how she “loses” it with her nine year-old son, John.  He pushes all her buttons at the worst times, she explained, like in the morning when she is pressed to get out the door and he refuses to get dressed or turn off the TV, whines and is altogether oppositional.  She tries and tries to reason with him but, at one point, she begins to feel like he is making zero effort, feels taunted and flustered and then-finally- “loses it” on him.  She begins to scream and threaten him with consequences.  Once she even hit him.  

At this point, the woman began to sob.  She told her husband how ashamed she was of being unable to control her emotional reactions and how guilty she felt for hurting their son.  She knew it was both useless and wrong to yell at him in these situations but she felt helpless to do otherwise.

Her husband, who until then had been listening empathically to his wife, cleared his throat and started to speak:

“Dear, you really just need to learn how to control your temper.  Step out of the situation, relax and tell yourself to calm down so you can deal with John more rationally.  I know you can do it.  You really just need to learn anger management.  Here, dry up those tears.”

He handed her a kleenex and then went on to explain to her a step-by-step plan for how she should deal with their son.  His wife looked over at me, her face hardened and her lips pursed angrily.  

“Is there something you want to say with that look?” I asked her, “Something you are asking me to say?”

“I know he means well,” she said, “But I am really hating him right now.”

I nodded.

When someone is expressing their feelings to us, one of the first things we all need to learn is how not to do anything and just listen, or mirror back.  All too often we feel the urge to respond, explain, justify, advise or apologize, i.e. offer the person something that hasn’t been asked for.  This has a tendency to frustrate the person who may feel like they have not been heard, or that they are being goaded into doing something they are not ready to do.  It is more often met with resistance or anger rather than gratitude.

The motivation to do something about a problem is an organic process; it usually arises naturally when just given space.

So give it space.

the way out

The number one reason that we don’t get our needs met, we don’t express them. We express judgments. If we do express needs, the number two reasons we don’t get our needs met, we don’t make clear requests.

~Marshall Rosenberg

Question:

You told me to tell my partner what I need but she knows full well what is going on in my life though even there she has had to be reminded over and over.  Her needs eclipse mine.  She overwhelms me with her needs so much that I sometimes feel compelled to lie to avoid setting her off yet again.  I need to be with someone I can be honest with and not feel scared that my honesty will cause a war.  I need to be in a partnership with someone who can accept that I have needs too and that that is okay.  I have told her this but she still ignores my needs.  I don’t think she cares about me.

Answer:

Lots of strong feelings, frustration, upset... it sounds very painful for you and I feel sorry for your suffering and confusion.  I see that you are trying to get your partner to recognize your needs, trying very hard indeed, but, in order for that to happen and for your needs to be met, by her or anyone, they have to be specified more concretely.  This means translating "I need to be in a partnership with someone who can accept that I have needs" into what you want here and now from her.  Think: behaviours, i.e. "I want you to DO x, y, z for me" even if you want her to do nothing at all, i.e. be quiet, listen and say nothing for a while.  This is the only way you’ll ever have a chance of getting the love you want one day.  Even a woman who loves you to the ends of the earth cannot read you mind.  You need to show her the way.