crossing the line

Either you're right or you're in a relationsip
~Anonymous

Question:
Much of the literature advises “no contact” with a person who is abusive.  Sometimes I think I should do this with my husband.  Other times I’m not so sure.

I see a pattern in my life.  I've been the victim before.  Actually, I've been thevictim a lot! My boundaries have been violated by friends, family, colleagues... so I must be the common denominator.

My partner is working on himself. He is becoming more self-aware and the incidents of verbal abuse are getting fewer and farther between. He is in an anger management group and starting to look at his behaviour.

I don’t want to blame myself when my husband crosses the line (the literature calls this “blaming the victim”) but doesn’t every conflict have two sides?  Shouldn’t I be owning mine?

Answer:
It’s easy to lump “abusers” into one pile and “victims” into another, and say never the twain shall meet.  This might be the only recourse in a relationship where the abusive person is so defensive that there is only ever one side to every disagreement. Your boundary is not really being crossed because, in the abuser’s mind, there is no “you”, just an annoying voice that needs to be quashed, controlled or silenced. It is a no-win situation and no-contact may be the only option.

But sometimes a black-and-white solution like no-contact is not the only answer.  In fact, in the majority of conflicts, even when one partner becomes abusive, the dynamics are usually more nuanced.  Both sides may need to do some work on maintaining boundaries.

Like you, I have noticed that most victims are repeat defenders just as most abusers are repeat offenders.  Without blaming the victim, I wonder: are victims possibly missing cues that might forewarn them of violence?

I recently read that victims of physical violence tend to push back on their abusive partners. Maybe they are misreading or ignoring a potentially abusive situation and failing to back away before it escalates? This may be especially true in a relationship where there is a pursuer-distancer dynamic.

“Distancers” get easily overwhelmed by strong emotions.  They need downtime to self-regulate (hence the famous dictum to “breathe”, “take a time-out” or “count to ten”).  The “pursuing” partner, rather than back away when the distancer becomes unavailable, attempts to bridge the gap by getting physically closer or asking what is wrong and trying to fix the problem.  The distancer, threatened by the encroaching pursuer who seems to be ignoring their need for space, feels warranted in pulling further away or pushing back harder and begin at this point either to sulk and go silent, or raise their voice and yell at or insult their partner.

Distancers often feel it is unfair to be called out for “abusive” behaviour. They see their partner as having provoked them. While pursuers do not deserve to be blamed for their partner’s violence, they may need to do their work on containing their emotions rather than acting them out.  They may be just as impulsive as their abusers.

So, to answer your question, it is quite possible you both need to work on your side of the conflict, even if only one of you resorts to verbal or physical violence.  When you work on your dynamic together, you become allies rather than opponents and stand a much better chance of managing conflict before it gets to the point where someone crosses a line.

How to deal with an abusive so-called "borderline" girlfriend

Subsequent to our conversation, my friend from the previous post asked me as a therapist, "How should I have dealt with my girlfriend?"

It is challenging, if not impossible, to deal with someone who is not well-differentiated, i.e. anyone who does not see herself or appreciate you as a separate human being. You will be blamed for how they feel and, the more narcissistic they are, the more frantically they will attempt to empower themselves by degrading you.

At the beginning of his relationship, my friend's girlfriend would say "you upgrade me". A more narcissitic person would never admit that she felt inferior. She would just flatter you... until she flipped, and then she'd begin to degrade and discard you. These are very primitive defenses that even professionals have a hard time disturbing.

How to deal with someone like this in a relationship... Well, in my opinion, the only way to respond is to draw very clean lines while reminding yourself constantly, like my friend tried to do, what is "mine" and what is "yours". People in abusive relationships tend to be empaths who get caught up in the abusive person's projections, so it is good practice for us to step back and not take the verbal abuse too personally. Calling out "criticism", "blame", "swearing" helps you identify where someone is crossing the line. You can also put up your hand and say "stop" (as recommended by Beverly Engel; author of the best book on emotional abuse IMHO). 

Finally, drawing boundaries may help you deal with abuse, but it may not help your abuser. He or she is the one who needs to deal with their abuse. 

As a friend reminded me last night: abusive individuals are like vampires who can suck their victims dry. They don't need your help.  What they need is a stake through the heart, preferrably driven by someone they can be accountable to. And since you will almost always be seen through the smoke of their own projections, that person is unlikely to be you...