lifting each other

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
~ 2 Thessalonians 5:11

Even during the best of times we may fall prey to thoughts of failure. How much moreso in times of darkness when we feel alone and discouraged. It's tempting to point out what someone may be doing wrong, but rather than buoy that person up, it can push them further down. It's important to guard our tongues and refrain from calling out weakness and failure, especially when someone is floundering. But pointing toward the shore, forgiveness of shortcomings and gentle words of encouragement can lift us up when we're too tired to carry ourselves.

no more mr. nice guy... please

By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing noone-- including themselves
~ Robert A. Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy)

I met with a young father today who candidly revealed that he was feeling resentment toward his preschool son. He said that every time he had to end playtime, his son would tearfully beg him to stay longer. The child's protesting annoyed him so much that he found himself emotionally withdrawing from his son before actually leaving him to play alone, which he usually did in a huff.

When we looked at what was underneath his anger, beyond the layer of resentment toward his child for wanting more of his time, we discovered a second layer of blame. In the father's mind, the child was putting pressure on him to spend more time with him, pulling him into a tug-of-war of wants and needs: his vs. mine. Once he realized that it was actually himself, not his son, who was asking him to relinquish his needs, he stopped feeling both blame and resentment. Instead, he grasped that the real enemy was a standard of "good" he had set up to measure himself against (because he was always wanting to be Mr.Nice Guy), which he felt trapped by.

As soon as he saw this, he was able to stop projecting blame for his feelings onto his child. He no longer saw his son as "pressuring" him but as expressing a healthy desire to spend more quality time with his dad. By taking responsibility for his self-imposed obligations of being nice, he became more emotionally available to his son. He stopped trying to look like a good father, and actually started becoming one!

keeping the peace

Let it begin with me
~ Jill Jackson

There is a difference between making peace and appeasement. Appeasement is when you try to placate someone by making concessions or meeting them half way. This de-escalates conflict but, if you jump in to appease someone who just wants to be right, this fuels their sense of entitlement.

Some of us hate conflict so much we'd do almost anything to stop it: make the first move, seek or offer forgiveness, let things go. This is fine unless it is feeding someone else's grandiosity; in which case, you're merely jumping into the fire. This is not keeping the peace. It is losing your own. Getting consumed. Better to avoid inhaling the smoke and get out of the way- quick!

why black lives matter

baa baa black sheep have you any wool?
~children's nursery rhyme

In the current climate of what is being coined a racial pandemic, we are becoming more aware of the impact of racial discirimination on the lives of our black brothers and sisters.

I have noticed a lot of white people denouncing prejudice, and proclaiming the equality of all lives. While this is good, it misses an important point. This movement is not about becoming colour-bind. It is about seeing black as the colour of oppression.

We're talking about black lives now, but we could be talking about other racial minorities, or about the lives of women, children, native populations, Jews and Muslims, disabled people or the elderly. They're black too. So is anyone whose cries of distress have been ignored because we have discriminatd against them, exploited or abused them, or watched while someone else did and did nothing about it, or walked away. That is oppression. And we have all been part of it to one degree or another; because we are human.

Yes, all lives matter; all lives are equal. But not all lives have been equally oppressed.

How can I help? By seeing my own blind spot, by seeing black. I do this by turning my attention to the power I have used or misused in relationship to the sheep right beside me, and saying sorry to those I've hurt. Then continuing to stand up for those who are being hurt, and stand up to those hurting them.

on bended knee

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart
~ Psalm 51

David is a man who had everything. He was a king of exceptional beauty, wealth and influence. But he took these privileges for granted and oppressed others to get what he wanted: he seduced a married woman then had her husband killed. In the passage above, David expresses remorse by recognizing his wrongdoing, and asks God's forgiveness.  He realizes that broken-heartedness, a repentant spirit, is the only way forward.

The word oppression means to press against, or smother, another. It is quite literally what Derek Chauvin did to George Floyd. Coincidentally, the name Derek means "people ruler", and Chauvin is the root of the word chauvinistic, meaning of course "excessive belief in the superiority of one's race".

If oppression is exemplified by putting your knee on someone else's throat, repentance is exemplified by removing the pressure and taking a knee, a gesture of humility and surrender. And what humility it takes to use your power to be meek, to empower others, to ask forgiveness. What humility, but what strength!

the bonds of betrayal

~ O serpent heart with a flowering face
Shakespeare (Romeo & Juliet)

With the drama of addiction, flying and crashing get progressively intertwined. Like the flower and the weed, the highs and lows start coming up together. You can no longer pull up one without the other but you keep trying, beyond your drug's ability to satisfy because it has become wired to pleasure in your brain even if, when you get a hit, now it delivers mostly pain.

This is the bond of betrayal: an insidious and progressive slavery to poisoned love.

What a phenomenal act of will to walk away! I've heard it takes months, or years, or never- it takes death- to finally break the cycle of addiction.

Even when you do walk away, they say the hand that delivers is not your own but the hand of God, a Higher Power, something greater than me, because- free to choose- I am yet powerless over my own desires. I choose only to give them up. And I mean UP.

Only then, in time (and I'm not there yet), will the hiccups of my heart stop threatening life, and my blood once again run clean.

* I have picked the caduceus as symbol for this blog post because, although it is ironically used as a symbol by physicians, it is actually a symbol of Hermes's staff, mediator between the upper and under worlds, having the power to make people fall asleep or wake them up; it was also carried by the messenger Mercury, guide of the dead and protector of merchants, liars and thieves!

release versus relief

Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is...
~ Alka Seltzer ad jingle

Anxiety is a kind of pressure, usually experienced when an emotion is being pushed down or repressed.  Although it is not itself an emotion, anxiety is definitely a state. It is inner tension, or stress.

There are two things that help with this.

One is to release it.  This is what is happening to the tablet in the glass of water pictured on the right. Passing from a solid to a gaseous state, inner tension is being released.  Words, actions or emotions, all these convert trapped energy into another state. They express it.

Relief is slightly different from release in that it does not convert trapped energy as much as minimize the tension around it.  It is like what a fizzy drink does for an upset stomach, shrinking gas bubbles so the stomach becomes less distended. If you're anxious and you go for a massage, take a hot bath, or pop an anti-inflammatory, all these relax the body so tension dissipates and you experience relief.

pause and mute

A rest is a musical notation sign that indicates the absence of a sound
~ Wikipedia

I've been giving some thought to the importance of silence.  This came up, strangely, when I realized that I could filter out unwanted Instagram "noise" simply by clicking a button.  I also recently learned on Zoom that you could press "mute" on yourself or others to prevent unwanted feedback.

In a musical composition, notation is used to tell musicians exactly how to play and when to pause, rest or mute their instruments. They need to follow the score, keep an eye on the conductor, listen and count- especially the rests- until it's time to come in. This ensures the overall harmony of individual sections.

As wonderful as it may feel to express ourselves, if we want to produce harmony instead of dissonance, music instead of noise, we need to take a page out of the musician's book, and treat silence as important as sound.

quarantine

Prison itself is a tremendous education in the need for patience and perseverance. It is above all a test of one's commitment
~ Nelson Mandela

A quarantine is enforced isolation to contain disease. It was first used in the 1600s when Venetian ships carrying the plague ("black death") were anchored off the mainland for 40 days.  The word quarantine comes from the Italian quaranta giorni, but has earlier roots that hark back to the temptation of Christ, when he isolated and fasted in the desert for 40 days.

As a boundary imposed by external authority, a quarantine can feel like a prison and trigger defiance or resignation.  It's stressful until I overcome the temptation to focus my energy on what is out of my control and focus it instead on what is, and that is: me.

It's tricky because there is a real tension between what is outside and what is inside, a real threat to my personal safety, health and freedom in the form of this nasty virus.  But I can still choose, within my limitations and whether I get the virus or not, to think of this quarantine as an opportunity for personal enrichment and growing my soul in whatever petri dish I'm stuck in.

I don't know about you but for me these growth opportunities always feel dark and stagnant. Until my heart breaks open.

I aspire to be like that prsioner of whom it was said by a friend who worked for the Kairos Prison Ministry: He is the freest man I know.

running on fire

If you're going through hell, keep going
~Winston Churchill

Walk; don't run
~ common sense

I'm all about identifying triggers.  If I know what sets me off, I can avoid it.  That is half the battle.  Prevention.  Sometimes that is the whole battle, if it stops there.

But many times it doesn't.  I can stumble into situations that set me off like a meteor hitting the atmosphere.  It's like a chemical reaction.  Suddenly, I'm on fire!

That's not a fun place to be.  Loss of self-control.  Very damaging.  Potentially very embarrassing too.

I dare say I'm not alone.  I think it is quite human.

The only antidote I've found is self-awareness.  If you have an addiction, name it.  If you have a weakness, claim it.  If you have done wrong, own it.  Own it.  Own it.  Own it.

Humility.

It's not a one-time deal either.  It's an ongoing practice. (Funny how we have to get small to grow up).  That's tough because we're wired to protect our egos. Running on fire instead of getting to know the enemy within, and putting it out.

But so worth it.