Question:
We really don't know what to do
about Amanda’s anorexia at this point. We saw the nutritionist on Tuesday
and Amanda participated reluctantly. She
tells me she’s been eating everything but her sister told me privately that
Amanda barely eats when I am not around and that this morning she didn’t have
breakfast.
We know she's lied to us plenty in
the past few months. I can tell her that I think she's not being truthful
with me but, if she denies it (she can really put on an act), I'm not sure what
else to do. I can't put her sister in
the middle of this but I feel like we have to tell Amanda that we know that she
has lied.
At this point, she's decided not to
take anti-depressants, she isn't complying with the eating plan, and I’m
worried she’s going to end up right back in the hospital. Basically, she
has to choose to start trying to actually get better.
Do you think I should confront her
with her behavior?
Answer:
It’s really hard to know what to do
sometimes...
Why don't you tell Amanda that you
have doubts about her commitment to getting better and that you need to know
where she stands on her own treatment and recovery. If she says she's
committed to the process, don’t try to confront her with any lies or
hearsay. Encourage her to continue
trying; and let it go. If Amanda is lying, the truth will eventually
emerge because she will be weighed during her medical appointments and any
weight loss will become apparent over time. If Amanda responds that she
is not committed to getting better or is struggling, let her know that she may
be hospitalized again if she loses more weight, and that this will merely
postpone her recovery.
Either way, you have to let Amanda
face the consequences of her choices and behavior. Ambivalence around autonomy is a major
struggle for anorexics and Amanda has to work it out in order to move
forward. If you take it upon yourself to get her to eat, you will
perpetuate an unhealthy dependency on you.
I know it’s tricky because her behavior is irresponsible and, as her mom, your instinct is to step in; but she has to own her
life.
In terms of her sister, you are
right to not involve her. Amanda may be
baiting you by telling her sister “secrets” that will make it back to you, and
it is best not to encourage any indirect communication. What Amanda says is
less important than what she actually does.
