why showing up late (or not at all) is rude

 ~A black hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light cannot get out (NASA)

Some people are mystified as to why their buddies get miffed when they change plans last minute. They cannot understand what "the big deal" is, especially if the change is justified from their point of view.

It is really not that complicated.

When I commit to a date with someone, they now expect me, and are leaving a space for me in their timetable. If I do not come when expected, or do not show up at all, I am leaving them with a hole.

When we show up late (or not at all), we have not only taken the liberty to do what we want with our own time, we have taken the liberty to do what we want with someone else's too, leaving them with a debt of time in exchange for the gift of accomodation. 

entitlement

But the issue has to do with land, which is our land (Bashar Al-Assad)

Embedded in the word "entitled" is a sense of being able to possess or claim something as mine. Its roots are in the word "title" which means of course the name of a thing, or a right to property.

Originally, it had a positive connotation, invoked as a means of pushing back on a repressive regime, person or condition trying to remove something belonging to someone else. In this spirit, the declaration of human rights proclaims as "inalienable" things which cannot or should not be taken away. 

These days, "a sense of entitlement" has a more negative connotation, claiming for myself things to which I have no right at all. It has come to be associated with spoiled brats and bullies whose scope of privilege far exceeds their basic human rights.

It's a touchy issue.

For example, I may have a right to dignity, but am I entitled to respect? I may have a right to freedom of expression, but am I entitled to be heard? I may have a right to be whomever I want, but am I entitled to be seen that way?   

The recognition of human rights has enabled women, children, minority and indigenous peoples to enjoy freedoms of which they had once been brutally and casually dispossessed. There has been a beautiful shift in perspective, not because it has expanded the breadth of personal entitlement, but because it has limited it. We have identified as "violence" the act of forcing someone to relinquish basic freedom, and acknowledged as "wrong" privileges once claimed at the expense of someone else. 

Entitlement is not about where my rights begin, but about where they end. We need to remember that if we do not want the exercise of rights to blur the line between my freedom and yours.

winning strategies: avoidance versus resistance

Resist the devil and he will flee  (James 4:7)

When faced with a temptation or mental obsession, we try to overcome by avoiding it or running away. This is a good defense when the object we are fleeing is greater than we are (think: tornado). We simply cannot face it and win.

Most of the time, however, with our greatest internal enemies-- addictions, obsessive thoughts and fears-- we will at some point be unable to run away. What will we do then? Resist them.

It's like the hiker who was being chased by a mountain lion. As the lion closed in on him, he stopped, turned around and screamed as loud as possible; and the animal fled!

The best defense is a good offense.

Most mental obsessions are rooted in cognitive distortions and lies. The key to resisting them is to confront them with thoughts that are louder than they are, that make more sense, or are more just, right and true. 

Most carnal temptations are rooted in craving. The key to resisting them is to supplant them with passions that are stronger, deeper and more meaningful or longer lasting. 

Avoidance strategies put space or distance between ourselves and the enemy; resistance actually wins by being bigger, better and stronger. 

addendum: I can't help but notice how this is analogous to our fight against COVID-19, and the difference between using masks/social distancing (avoidance) and building immunity (resistance).

lifting each other

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
~ 2 Thessalonians 5:11

Even during the best of times we may fall prey to thoughts of failure. How much moreso in times of darkness when we feel alone and discouraged. It's tempting to point out what someone may be doing wrong, but rather than buoy that person up, it can push them further down. It's important to guard our tongues and refrain from calling out weakness and failure, especially when someone is floundering. But pointing toward the shore, forgiveness of shortcomings and gentle words of encouragement can lift us up when we're too tired to carry ourselves.

no more mr. nice guy... please

By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing noone-- including themselves
~ Robert A. Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy)

I met with a young father today who candidly revealed that he was feeling resentment toward his preschool son. He said that every time he had to end playtime, his son would tearfully beg him to stay longer. The child's protesting annoyed him so much that he found himself emotionally withdrawing from his son before actually leaving him to play alone, which he usually did in a huff.

When we looked at what was underneath his anger, beyond the layer of resentment toward his child for wanting more of his time, we discovered a second layer of blame. In the father's mind, the child was putting pressure on him to spend more time with him, pulling him into a tug-of-war of wants and needs: his vs. mine. Once he realized that it was actually himself, not his son, who was asking him to relinquish his needs, he stopped feeling both blame and resentment. Instead, he grasped that the real enemy was a standard of "good" he had set up to measure himself against (because he was always wanting to be Mr.Nice Guy), which he felt trapped by.

As soon as he saw this, he was able to stop projecting blame for his feelings onto his child. He no longer saw his son as "pressuring" him but as expressing a healthy desire to spend more quality time with his dad. By taking responsibility for his self-imposed obligations of being nice, he became more emotionally available to his son. He stopped trying to look like a good father, and actually started becoming one!

keeping the peace

Let it begin with me
~ Jill Jackson

There is a difference between making peace and appeasement. Appeasement is when you try to placate someone by making concessions or meeting them half way. This de-escalates conflict but, if you jump in to appease someone who just wants to be right, this fuels their sense of entitlement.

Some of us hate conflict so much we'd do almost anything to stop it: make the first move, seek or offer forgiveness, let things go. This is fine unless it is feeding someone else's grandiosity; in which case, you're merely jumping into the fire. This is not keeping the peace. It is losing your own. Getting consumed. Better to avoid inhaling the smoke and get out of the way- quick!

why black lives matter

baa baa black sheep have you any wool?
~children's nursery rhyme

In the current climate of what is being coined a racial pandemic, we are becoming more aware of the impact of racial discirimination on the lives of our black brothers and sisters.

I have noticed a lot of white people denouncing prejudice, and proclaiming the equality of all lives. While this is good, it misses an important point. This movement is not about becoming colour-bind. It is about seeing black as the colour of oppression.

We're talking about black lives now, but we could be talking about other racial minorities, or about the lives of women, children, native populations, Jews and Muslims, disabled people or the elderly. They're black too. So is anyone whose cries of distress have been ignored because we have discriminatd against them, exploited or abused them, or watched while someone else did and did nothing about it, or walked away. That is oppression. And we have all been part of it to one degree or another; because we are human.

Yes, all lives matter; all lives are equal. But not all lives have been equally oppressed.

How can I help? By seeing my own blind spot, by seeing black. I do this by turning my attention to the power I have used or misused in relationship to the sheep right beside me, and saying sorry to those I've hurt. Then continuing to stand up for those who are being hurt, and stand up to those hurting them.