mental anorexia

Parental over-protectiveness can become overbearing.  It can quash the process of separation and differentiation which, like birth, are necessary for a child to come into her own.    

If a child cannot successfully individuate, the child’s will goes underground and may seek expression in deviant or self-destructive ways.

Anorexia is an example of this.  

The refusal to eat harks back to the rejection of the breast and the impulse to self-wean.   When a parent’s need to nurture trumps a child’s need for independence, the child has no recourse but to reject the food of love.  This can be transposed to social expectations and can manifest, for example, as the refusal to swallow Mom and Dad’s rules.

This kind of refusal is more common than anorexia in boys, possibly because boys differentiate from their mothers earlier at the level of their bodies.  Just like anorexia, however, the more a parent tries to cajole a child with preaching and sermonizing and speeching and yelling, the more the child resists being nurtured and controlled.  

Success usually only comes after failure.  That is why an anorexic girl is often cured by hospitalization, and a delinquent boy by school failure.  Unprotected by his parents from the consequences of his actions, a child is finally free to find the motivation from within.

a note on EMDR

ripeness is all
~ King Lear; Shakespeare

EMDR is a powerful adjunct to therapy. When used at the right time it can be just the thing that will move someone out of stagnation and into complete recovery. In terms of inducing an immediate and thorough turnabout in a person's frame of mind it is really unparalleled compared to any other therapy I know.

Sometimes, having heard of the powerful transformations facilitated by EMDR, people come to therapy requesting it like a drug. “I need EMDR to make this bad memory go away,” they might say, thinking that EMDR is going to remove it like a surgical intervention. Or they might think that it can be used like a magic wand to bring repressed pain to the surface to be expunged without having to feel a thing. That is sadly not the case.

EMDR is not a cure. It is a way to help process painful memories so that they become less intrusive in our everyday lives. Although it provides a rapid way to gain insight and resolution over nagging problems that may have had their hooks in us for years, it does not undo the past or change who you are. It merely enables your natural ability to grow so you can adapt to the challenges in your life at your optimal capacity. The growth still depends very much on how ready you are to move on.

Just as a seed opens and blossoms in its own time, so too the human spirit. EMDR is a kind of ripening agent, like Miracle-Gro. No more nor less.

cerveau figé?

Question de JD:
Je suis une agnostique sans trop de convictions mais agnostique quand-même. L'instinct de survie et/ou de reproduction est à la base de tous vivants. Les sentiments, les concepts de deuil, souffrance, sagesse, abdication ne sont qu'invention de l'homme pour arriver à comprendre et accepter ce qu'il est et ce qui l'entoure. Embrasser la vie, ne pas la subir, gagnant ou victime, je veux bien croire que notre attitude devant tout cela fera une différence entre être actif ou passif, positif ou négatif, mais qu'en est-il si notre cerveau est figé dans un modèle de marbre?

J'ai toujours tenté de sortir de mon milieu, mais nous sommes le produit d'une éducation, d'une société, d'un genre féminin ou masculin et d'un cerveau composé de neurotransmetteurs qui fonctionnent selon une chimie bien précise qui modèle notre esprit, nos idées et je ne parle même pas des connaissances acquises, de l'intelligence. Ainsi, pour moi, le désir de vivre, n'est que la résultante de notre cerveau reptilien, l'instinct de survie.

Réponse de P.I.:
Attention! Le cerveau n'est pas "figé dans un modèle de marbre". Le nouveau modèle neuroscientifique, basé sur des données stupéfiantes, parle au contraire de la neuroplasticité du cerveau, c'est-à-dire de sa malléabilité. Nous pouvons changer notre cerveau avec nos pensées. Des résonances magnétiques le constatent bien. Grâce aux IRMs, nous savons, par exemple, que la méditation et la psychothérapie transforment le cerveau de la même manière que des anti-dépresseurs.

Le cerveau reptilien est étroitement lié aux émotions. Il consiste d'un réseau d'associations émotives. C'est la fondation dans laquelle est imprimée nos toutes premières expériences de la vie. Oui, il peut avoir l'air d'être devenu comme du béton mais il n'en est rien.

Un vidéo que tu trouveras peut-être intéressant sur le livre de Norman Doidge:
The Brain That Changes Itself

Cela dit, si on persiste à croire que le cerveau ne change pas, il ne changera pas. Un peu comme un placebo à l'inverse!

splitting

I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it.
~ J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

She went from cool to hot in about 15 minutes because nobody leaped into action.

The dynamic had always been to make Dad "the bad guy" for resisting her whims and desires and Mom "the good guy" who was willing to rescue her from frustration and distress. (This is called splitting. Teenagers are pros at it. When their efforts are frustrated they’ll pull a tantrum worthy of a two-year old.) But since Mom had learned to deflect her daughter’s pressure tactics, the girl was at loose ends. Nobody was willing to jump in and be the hero.

The girl had a meltdown in my office. Because her parents knew that the problem their daughter faced was manageable and that she was well-equipped to handle it, their hearts broke for her but they did not cave. Instead they just gave their sobbing child lots of empathy, encouragement and support.

In our next family meeting, the girl described how she had handled the situation, by herself. She got through it alone and was glowing, proud and confident.

By forming a united front, by refusing to split into good cop/bad cop, the parents in this story enabled their daughter, not only to find the resources she needed within herself, but also helped her to see her own parents more realistically. Mom and Dad taught her that there are no good guys and bad guys out there. That nobody’s a monster and nobody’s perfect and that there are no magic solutions to life’s problems. We all just do the best that we can.

the drama triangle

This above all, to refuse to be a victim. Unless I can do that I can do nothing.
~ Margaret Atwood; Surfacing

In 1968, Steven Karpman coined the term drama triangle to refer to the constellation of roles we play when we engage in the game of victim-rescuer-persecutor. Basically, the triangle comes about when one or more person gets stuck in a corner of the triangle as opposed to moving into a more adaptive position. To defuse the drama, we need to refuse to play the game.

Unfortunately, we often respond to conflict by moving into one of these roles.

For example, when a bully is name-calling another student at school, the student, feeling helpless, may see himself as a victim and just stand there crying. A teacher witnessing the interaction may decide to intervene. She completes the triangle by rescuing the bullied student.

In an alternative scenario, the bullied student refuses to play the victim and takes action against the bullying by saying that he does not like the way the bully is speaking to him, and then leaves. He seeks out friends to support him and then he and his friends confront the bully and the bully backs off.

This is a more constructive response.

It sounds easy. And in a way, it is. The problem is that, like the Bermuda Triangle, the drama triangle is insidiously magnetic, drawing us in against our wills! We may unconsciously identify with the roles projected onto us, as in projective identification, introjecting the role attributed to us and colluding with the projection. We then unwittingly act out someone else’s nightmare.

The antidote? Self-awareness and the commitment to not playing the game. In order for the triangle to lose its power, you need to know your own nightmare and identify the roles you play in it. Then you make a conscious effort to interrupt your tendency to play them out and take back the playwright in your head.

The Right to Remain Silent

We must be the change we wish to see
~ Ghandi

Silence is one way of drawing a boundary. It is particularly useful when you do not want to engage in conflict or pursue a violent dialogue.

Many parents have difficulty disengaging from their children when they start to bicker and pout about a chore or house rule. Mom says: Time for the TV to go off. Child asks: Why now? Mom answers: Time to do your homework. Child replies: Just one more program...

You can explain the rule to your child and justify any points he takes issue with. This is especially appropriate when the rule is new or has not been well understood. You can also be flexible and negotiate with your child, especially if he is growing out of a rule and needs more autonomy. Generally speaking, however, a child needs rules and boundaries to be firm in order both to know where he stands with you as an authority, and to have some dependable guidelines for making his own decisions. To respond to his every objection, to allow every conversation to escalate into an argument, or to let your child harass and badger you into submission is simply allowing him to violate your boundaries. This is not good for either him or you.

You have the power to defuse this situation.

If your child already knows the rule, if he has had a reasonable explanation of it in the past and has been given fair warning about your expectations when the rule is broken, this may be the time to remind him of that, and then turn the TV off. If your child continues to argue with you, you may want to placate your child with empathy but, in terms of arguing anything, it may be best to remain silent.

between a rock and a hard place

You can't go forward
You can't go backward
You can't stay in place

What are you going to do?

~ a Zen koan

This week I met with a bus driver who told me that he felt caught between the public and his employer. He told me that there aren't enough buses during rush hour so buses often run late. People board the bus in a foul mood and complain to him, blaming and sometimes even threatening him when the bus is not on time. It's not his fault there aren't enough buses; but do they care? The bus company, on the other hand, expects him to manage cranky passengers with tact and self-restraint. If he loses his temper and snaps back, and the passenger files a complaint, he will be reprimanded by the boss. He may be under great stress and defending himself against an aggressive customer; but does the boss care?

This driver felt sandwiched between what he called the “je m'en foutisme” (the “I don't careism”) of consumers and employers. Nobody sees the bigger picture, blaming an employee for a problem which is not his, but nobody cares or really wants to solve it. He is caught in the wedge of their indifference but the more he pushes back, the more it chafes and hurts. This is a no-win situation.

There's a time and place to fight but it's not when you're caught between a rock and a hard place. This is a time to do nothing.