empaths and narcissists, part two: how to identify a narcissist

Thanks for that last post but it left me wondering: are there any rules to help us identify narcissists; what is it that makes them generally different from empaths?

Good question!  I think you can tell a lot about people by how they respond to hurting you.

Some people will defend their intentions sooner than apologize, but will ruthlessly prosecute you when they feel hurt.  Others will do the opposite: sooner apologize than defend themselves when they’ve hurt you, but carefully consider your point of view when you’ve hurt them.

The former deny responsibility and project blame, while the latter fully own their harmful actions and graciously forgive yours.  

Narcissists and empaths.  Opposites that (alas) attract.

the empath and narcissist

Patricia, what do you think of this article on the signs of a narcissist?  I don't like what the last part is writing about choosing a narcissist to heal childhood drama or blaming parents. 

I think the article is good.  I especially like # 7:

An empath's light is bright; highly sensitive people have a high love quotient.

Sensitivity and empathy are strengths.  But if an empath involves herself with someone who is incapable of empathy (otherwise known as a narcissist), her love eventually becomes a one-way drain.

In terms of "choosing" a narcissist to heal ourselves, I agree with you: we do not choose someone to heal us any more than we choose him to abuse us, and it is important not to blame ourselves for the way we are mistreated.  This is called “blaming the victim”.

That said, we do choose our partner.  So, if you did end up with a narcissist, or were abused by one, you had something to do with it.  At the very least, you exercised poor judgement in choosing to be with him.  Maybe your boundaries were violated as a child, or your parents failed to protect or defend your boundaries.  If so, it may be hard for you to identify the subtle dehumanizing boundary violations typical of narcissists.  (This is where childhood stuff comes in.)   

We all need to cultivate awareness of how we get into bad situations and why we stay, or we will carry our past blindly forward into other relationships.  Call it karma, intergenerational transmission or repetition compulsion, the tendency to repeat the same mistakes needs our full attention if we wish to do something about it. 

This is the meaning of sobriety, and it goes for empaths and narcissists alike.

a letter to my daughter

Saying “I love you” is not love.

Being in love with you is not love.

Finding you beautiful is not love.

Having sex with you is not love.

Giving you massages is not love.

Giving you money is not love.

Giving you compliments is not love.

Helping you with your homework, chores, heavy or light-- none of that is love.
Serving you or your loved ones, even your children, that is not love either.

Neither is saying, doing or giving anything at all you have not asked for.  Even listening to you while you talk, vent or rant is not love.

These things make you feel good but they are NOT NECESSARILY LOVE.

They may in fact be toxic to you when they foster attachment to someone who makes you feel like you can depend on him to feel loved, special, needed or cared for— but who is not really there to give you what you need.

It is like sugar on berries:

Sweet but addictive and lacking real substance.
It is not love.

So what is love?

Above all, it is giving you what you ask for.

It is listening carefully to you.
It is not hurting you.

It is willingness to own mistakes when you do get hurt,

Receiving your grievances graciously,

Committing to refraining from all forms of violence against you, or being willing to learn how to do that.

Demand it.

how to deal with anxious thoughts

Clients besieged by anxiety often ask me how to stop bad thoughts. My answer to them is always the same: you can’t.  Don’t even try.  By giving them any attention at all you empower them, lending them more room in your head to bully you with.

So DO NOT try to stop bad thoughts.  

Just turn your attention elsewhere, starving bad thoughts of attention while feeding your mind friendlier thoughts; not “positive thoughts” which you do not believe, but pleasant memories, comforting truths or reveries.

Finally, if anxious thoughts keep bugging you, breathe them in, imaging you are purifying the air like a fire-breathing dragon in reverse.  This is a form of Tonglen, a powerful Buddhist practice which reminds us that we are bigger than whatever thoughts besiege us.