no more mr. nice guy... please

By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing noone-- including themselves
~ Robert A. Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy)

I met with a young father today who candidly revealed that he was feeling resentment toward his preschool son. He said that every time he had to end playtime, his son would tearfully beg him to stay longer. The child's protesting annoyed him so much that he found himself emotionally withdrawing from his son before actually leaving him to play alone, which he usually did in a huff.

When we looked at what was underneath his anger, beyond the layer of resentment toward his child for wanting more of his time, we discovered a second layer of blame. In the father's mind, the child was putting pressure on him to spend more time with him, pulling him into a tug-of-war of wants and needs: his vs. mine. Once he realized that it was actually himself, not his son, who was asking him to relinquish his needs, he stopped feeling both blame and resentment. Instead, he grasped that the real enemy was a standard of "good" he had set up to measure himself against (because he was always wanting to be Mr.Nice Guy), which he felt trapped by.

As soon as he saw this, he was able to stop projecting blame for his feelings onto his child. He no longer saw his son as "pressuring" him but as expressing a healthy desire to spend more quality time with his dad. By taking responsibility for his self-imposed obligations of being nice, he became more emotionally available to his son. He stopped trying to look like a good father, and actually started becoming one!

keeping the peace

Let it begin with me
~ Jill Jackson

There is a difference between making peace and appeasement. Appeasement is when you try to placate someone by making concessions or meeting them half way. This de-escalates conflict but, if you jump in to appease someone who just wants to be right, this fuels their sense of entitlement.

Some of us hate conflict so much we'd do almost anything to stop it: make the first move, seek or offer forgiveness, let things go. This is fine unless it is feeding someone else's grandiosity; in which case, you're merely jumping into the fire. This is not keeping the peace. It is losing your own. Getting consumed. Better to avoid inhaling the smoke and get out of the way- quick!

why black lives matter

baa baa black sheep have you any wool?
~children's nursery rhyme

In the current climate of what is being coined a racial pandemic, we are becoming more aware of the impact of racial discirimination on the lives of our black brothers and sisters.

I have noticed a lot of white people denouncing prejudice, and proclaiming the equality of all lives. While this is good, it misses an important point. This movement is not about becoming colour-bind. It is about seeing black as the colour of oppression.

We're talking about black lives now, but we could be talking about other racial minorities, or about the lives of women, children, native populations, Jews and Muslims, disabled people or the elderly. They're black too. So is anyone whose cries of distress have been ignored because we have discriminatd against them, exploited or abused them, or watched while someone else did and did nothing about it, or walked away. That is oppression. And we have all been part of it to one degree or another; because we are human.

Yes, all lives matter; all lives are equal. But not all lives have been equally oppressed.

How can I help? By seeing my own blind spot, by seeing black. I do this by turning my attention to the power I have used or misused in relationship to the sheep right beside me, and saying sorry to those I've hurt. Then continuing to stand up for those who are being hurt, and stand up to those hurting them.

on bended knee

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart
~ Psalm 51

David is a man who had everything. He was a king of exceptional beauty, wealth and influence. But he took these privileges for granted and oppressed others to get what he wanted: he seduced a married woman then had her husband killed. In the passage above, David expresses remorse by recognizing his wrongdoing, and asks God's forgiveness.  He realizes that broken-heartedness, a repentant spirit, is the only way forward.

The word oppression means to press against, or smother, another. It is quite literally what Derek Chauvin did to George Floyd. Coincidentally, the name Derek means "people ruler", and Chauvin is the root of the word chauvinistic, meaning of course "excessive belief in the superiority of one's race".

If oppression is exemplified by putting your knee on someone else's throat, repentance is exemplified by removing the pressure and taking a knee, a gesture of humility and surrender. And what humility it takes to use your power to be meek, to empower others, to ask forgiveness. What humility, but what strength!