Is my Girlfriend Borderline?

Friend:

I just broke up with a woman I believe is borderline. 

I thought from the beginning she was too much; I even told her (and all my friends) she was raising major red flags by being too nice at the beginning, like she was trying to buy my love with kindness. Then at some point she started to snap unexpectedly. At the first sign of conflict, if you can call it that (it was more like her feeling contrary in a random sort of way), she would lose it and, if I called her out on her rudeness or tried to calm her down by inviting her into a civil dialogue, she'd call me names. If I protested she'd get even worse and a couple of times she shoved me because I did not, to use her terms, "back off". She blamed me for "provoking" her and over-reacting.  She'd say things like "If you would just let me be, give me space, I'd be fine..." And it was true... for a while. But her moodiness always got the better of her and she'd have another outburst for some random small thing and I would be pushed away and blamed again. Maybe someone else could keep their cool and handle her; I sure couldn't.  Is she borderline or abusive or what?

Me:

I don't know about labelling her, but she sounds really fragile and yes, her behaviour would qualify as abusive even if her intention is not.

Friend:

I saw her as fragile too; and quite endearing when she was sweet. She wasn't always mean. Sometimes she would feel bad about her behavior and try to make improvements in how she communicated.  She became less verbally abusive overall. Still, she would regress suddenly and violently and withdraw more and more frequently from what appeard to be sheer overwhelm-- with life, with me, with herself. I found it very sad!

Me:

Sounds like you empathized with her.  Must have been hard for you?

Friend:

Oh... it was terrible for me. I could never predict when she would blow since she was unable to say directly what she needed or what went wrong.  Actually she always looked like everything was peachy keen (I'd even say she was chronically over-chipper) until WHAM! like a child having a tantrum, she'd lose it. She could not seem to identitfy or get ahead of the irritants in her life and prevent letting them get the better of her and, when I would try to help she'd get even more upset, tell me to mind my business and accuse me of not "reading the signs", of prying or trying to be her mother. The list of insults and criticisms never ended and in fact was getting longer by the day.  I could never do anything right. It made it hard to relax around her; and that is when I started to realize I couldn't do it anymore, even if I loved her. 

Me:

How did it end?

Friend:

She got moody yesterday and lost it on me in a restaurant, telling me to "shut up, stop talking and back off", and again blamed me for not acting the right way when she was feeling irritable. Something in me finally broke. I had already warned her I was reaching my limit, feeling like I had to walk to eggshells all the time, and that I was runing out of steam. I had invited her several times into therapy with me but she wouldn't bite... Yesterday on the way home in the car I told her, "You're right. I am intense, I do react. I care about you and feel badly that you are triggered. But I want us to talk civilly. I will not let that expectation go.  If you want to be with me, you need to stop abusing me. This won't go away on its own.  We need help"  She told me to f**k off; that I was heavy, negative and critical, that she just needed her space but I was too stupid to get that.  I quietly drove her home. When she opened the door, she simply said she was tired of fighting with me.  And that was it.  Didn't even say goodbye..

Me:

Well you let her know that if she stayed with you, you had expectations that would not go away.  You chose, and allowed her to choose, a path forward. You have gone your own directions now I guess.  It is very sad and I am sorry for you both. I know you will get over it.  I am not sure she will, but I hope so.

Friend:

I have faith in her.  She can do it.  Maybe just not with me.

But I love him

Many people come to my office confused about whether or not to stay in a relationship.  They report a sad, conflict-filled marriage with neither person feeling very fulfilled and say they want to leave, but cannot because they still “love” their partner. 

 

Here is what I say to them.

There are three legs supporting any relationship: attachment, compassion and happiness.  A relationship can stand on any of them alone or on all three, but only one of them can sustain a good relationship.

Attachment is the quality of being psychologically intertwined, sometimes to a very deep level, with another person.  Being attached can elicit oceanic feelings of connection or completion.  But it can also cause us to panic when the person we are attached to leaves, or fly into a rage when he or she pushes our buttons.  Attachment can run deep, but it doesn’t always give us the warm fuzzies.

Compassion is the selfless love of a mother for her child, the kind of love embodied by Christian love or by what the Greeks called agape.  It is quite simply the unconditional love that would make you stand in front of a train or gun to save someone else.  It is a beautiful heart-wrenching love that tenderizes our hearts and makes us human.

Happiness is the quality of feeling fulfilled.  In a happy relationship, you get along well on a daily basis.  Not only do your values fit, your routines do.  The relationship works because you are happy, and vice versa.  And happiness would be the leg to stand on, if you have the choice.  The other two, attachment and compassion, are intense but are not necessarily fulfilling, let alone predictors of relationship success.   

When you are with someone that makes you happy, you stay because you like being with him or her, not because you feel like you have to look after him or because it is too hard for you to leave her.  

So, instead of asking yourself if you love him, better to ask: Are you happy with him?