taking down and restoring walls

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
~Step 2, 12 Steps

The first obstacle to recovery is defensive denial. It's like a wall. Life is being smashed by a wrecking ball but the addict refuses to see any evidence of crumbling.  As he keeps using, the wrecking ball keeps pounding. Eventually, the addict can no longer deny the health issues, unpaid bills, and lost relationships. The debts he owes are mounting.  Still he refuses to quit.  Instead he begins to bargain, vowing to use less or only "recreationally", trying to trick himself into believing that he and the addiction can find a way to cohabit even though little holes in his wall are showing up everywhere. Progressively, without his consent, the wall between him and the truth breaks down. As in the third stage of grief, now there is rage at the undeniable reality that he cannot continue in this way without severe consequences. Something's gotta give.

As the wall collapses and the addict is exposed, if he hasn't died or ended up in jail, he is forced to surrender.  By accepting the reality of his demise, and with a true willingness to reclaim his life and integrity, the addict begins the process of recovery.  He seeks to be restored, if not to the exact person he was prior to his addiction, then to sanity.  He begins to walk away, free.

Those around the addict have their own recovery to undergo.  It is similar to his process, and equally hard, but goes sort of in reverse; reversing the 5 Stages of Grief.  They entered into relationship taking the addict at face value, as a real person, expecting availability and reciprocity; unprotected.  But, like Pinocchio, his promises were wooden and his heart hard. They tolerated unacceptable behaviour, and ended up a mere shadow of their former selves, a puddle of emotions.  Whereas the addict's wall hid the truth, they lacked one. They were vulnerable and exposed. What now lies in store for them, in their process of recovery, is rebuilding that wall, unbreaking the cup that held them, to restore their integrity and sanity. It is the reverse of the addict's process and begins with non-acceptance, moving through sadness and anger to ripen into the courage to make an ultimatum: they will partner again with the addict on only one condition, that he "proves himself brave, truthful and unselfish... and becomes a real boy."*.  The co-addict detaches by building a wall. This is their freedom.

*Blue Fairy; Pinocchio

rated "r" for ready

What do you say to your kids on the sensitive topics of sex, war or death? 

Your children have to be receptive in order to take in information.  If they are not, and you share it with them anyway, the information may not sink in or, worse, may cause them cognitive or emotional distress.  Untimely sharing of information is a bit like force-feeding.  Don’t do it.  But don’t avoid hard topics or sugar-coat the truth either.  Your child is likely to sense your discomfort and blow the topic out of proportion, imagining the worst. 

With kids, if they can formulate a reasonable question on a topic, they are probably ready to accommodate a truthful answer.  This does not mean you have to share all of the truth.  If they ask where babies come from, you need not broach the topic of deviant sex.  If they ask about death, you need not unload your own fears and anxieties, or elaborate on your beliefs about the afterlife. If you do not know where to start with them, simply ask your children “what do you think?” and start there.

Don’t ever foist your own agenda onto a child.  This includes both avoiding a topic they are ready to talk about and sharing a truth they are not ready to hear.