pause and mute

A rest is a musical notation sign that indicates the absence of a sound
~ Wikipedia

I've been giving some thought to the importance of silence.  This came up, strangely, when I realized that I could filter out unwanted Instagram "noise" simply by clicking a button.  I also recently learned on Zoom that you could press "mute" on yourself or others to prevent unwanted feedback.

In a musical composition, notation is used to tell musicians exactly how to play and when to pause, rest or mute their instruments. They need to follow the score, keep an eye on the conductor, listen and count- especially the rests- until it's time to come in. This ensures the overall harmony of individual sections.

As wonderful as it may feel to express ourselves, if we want to produce harmony instead of dissonance, music instead of noise, we need to take a page out of the musician's book, and treat silence as important as sound.

Go with the flow

A friend recently asked me about listening and I said I'd give him a few pointers.  I thought of an acronym GWTF. 

Here it is:

GWTF (GO WITH THE FLOW)

G is for GET: let them GET their feelings off their chest.  Feelings are like a river, so let them flow!  You don't need to do anything other than GET out of the way.  Make room.  Be receptive.  Most of the time all we need to untangle our feelings is someone willing to GET them. 

W is for WITH/HOLD: WITHHOLD (refrain from) expressing your own point of view, feelings, opinions, comments or reactions, especially negative ones (criticism).  Do HOLD the person with your quiet presence, your eyes, your arms.  Show them you are WITH them. They will feel held and heard.  That is doing a lot!

T is for TIME: take the TIME they will need to get out all their feelings.  Don't rush them, interrupt, stop them or give advice, especially when you feel like you have to do something.  Don't. You will merely block their flow.  And the more you do that, the longer you will be there! Be a conduit not a dam, and the river will come to rest all by itself.  Give it TIME.

F is for FEELINGS: if you must do something, FEEL.  Feel what they feel.  Picture yourself in their shoes.  Guess what emotions they might be experiencing.  You can even say (when they have stopped sharing) "you must FEEL X, Y or Z".  Let them correct you if you are wrong and don't take it personally.  Remember!  It is not about you.  If all else fails, nod sympathetically and say "uh-huh" or "I hear you".

communication; two sides of the mirror

There are two parts of good communication: sending and receiving.

Most people think receiving, otherwise known as listening, is the hard part and, in a way, it is; because in order to really listen, you have to put yourself aside.

Mirror listening is one way to do this.  By pausing to reflect back the messages we receive ("You said X, Y and Z"), we remain present to the person who is sharing an experience without being swallowed by our own.  We show the speaker we "got" him or her instead of contaminating his message with our own reactions in the form of interruptions, questions or comments, or any other verbal and non-verbal reactions to what is being shared.

By eliminating reactivity, mirroring connects people in conflict, and tension just melts away.  It is very soothing to be heard in this way.
 

But listening is just one half of good communication. The other half consists of course in successfully sharing or sending a message.

Any thought or feeling can be shared but, if we want to maintain connection to another human being, we must take great care in how we share, using a form that neither hurts nor offends the person we are talking to.  (It is in fact the form, not the content, of the message which is most important).

This can be done using I-statements which indicate that we know that everything we share (every thought, impression, feeling or reaction) belongs to me and me alone, and is a mere reflection of my own subjective experience, and not a fact I am imposing on you or something you have to agree with.  (Questions and you-statements, i.e. "why are you asking me now?" or "you are talking too much" instantly deflect attention away from me and can create conflict and disharmony, especially when experienced as attacks or criticism, which they usually are).

To show you humbly acquiesce to the reality and separateness of another human experience, it is necessary to both put yourself aside to mirror someone else and use I-statements to describe what is going on in yourself.

There are two sides to good communication: sending and receiving.  But the hardest part is humility.