mind the gap

A colleague is counseling the husband of my friend.  He has not met with my friend but apparently feels qualified to diagnose her as “borderline”.  My colleague (a psychologist) thinks my friend has abandonment issues and has in fact suggested that her husband end the marriage for his own mental health.

This infuriates me.  As a couple/family therapist I am trained to look behind the client’s narrative at the hidden perspectives it may eclipse.  Even with that training, I can only hypothesize, speculate and surmise about someone’s perspective if they’re not in the room.  There will be gaps.  If my advice is based on a bias, as in the case of my colleague, it will be misguided, if not harmful, to my clients and their significant others. 

Without the input of persons’ attached to our clients, therapists cannot see the big picture.  We are not qualified to give third part diagnoses or relationship advice based on assumptions which fill in the gaps. 

We should get out of the way.

show some respect!

Respect yourself and others will respect you

~Confucius

Question:

How do I get others to respect me?

Answer :

I’m asked this question regularly; by parents in regards to their children, children in regards to their parents, by women in regards to men, and men in regards to women…

Everyone wants to know how to stop people from treating them in ways they don’t like.  They figure there must be something they can say or do to get them to change.

But they can’t.  Not anymore than posting the rules in my house can get anyone who enters my home to obey them.

I always ask people, “Who’s the only person you can control?”  And everyone always answers, “Myself” but then expects others to stop doing something they don't like when they ask them.

But it doesn’t work like that.  Even if you ask them politely, using your scary voice, or a megaphone.

So how do you get others to respect you?  By respecting yourself.

That means: if someone is treating you in ways you don’t like, then leave, end the conversation, hang up, go away, move into another room, whatever…  But don’t expect others to leave you alone, go away, shut up and do whatever you want them to.  Your boundaries are not their problem; they’re yours.   

Take care of your own boundaries and, if you don’t like how others are treating you, respect yourself and don't stick around.

addicted to negative emotions?!

Question:

I remember reading something according to which negative emotions, as a whole, can be addictive, probably on a chemical level.  Apparently many therapists are agreeing and it seems to be the general consensus.  All the new age woo woo stuff aside, is that true? 

Answer:

Thanks for tickling my brain!

Human beings generate all kinds of theories based on correlations instead of explanations!  The "addictive to negative emotions" theory may be one of those theories. 

I think that we can get addicted because of negative emotions but not TO them.  Think about it: how addictive would getting an electrical shock be? Smelling shit?  Getting screamed at?  Or ignored?  We may get addicted to what happens right after the negative emotion, like relief, a rush of warmth, silence, connection, etc...  Endorphins?  This might also explain why some people like to jog :)  As one runner friend of mine put it once: I am addicted to jogging because stopping feels so bloody good!

Negative emotions might get paired with positive ones, but that is another thing.  This might be the case in masochism.  Or it might be the case that someone needs to hurt in order to feel anything at all :( 

Don't advise and explain

The other day I witnessed a painful dialogue between a husband and wife.  

The woman was telling her husband about how she “loses” it with her nine year-old son, John.  He pushes all her buttons at the worst times, she explained, like in the morning when she is pressed to get out the door and he refuses to get dressed or turn off the TV, whines and is altogether oppositional.  She tries and tries to reason with him but, at one point, she begins to feel like he is making zero effort, feels taunted and flustered and then-finally- “loses it” on him.  She begins to scream and threaten him with consequences.  Once she even hit him.  

At this point, the woman began to sob.  She told her husband how ashamed she was of being unable to control her emotional reactions and how guilty she felt for hurting their son.  She knew it was both useless and wrong to yell at him in these situations but she felt helpless to do otherwise.

Her husband, who until then had been listening empathically to his wife, cleared his throat and started to speak:

“Dear, you really just need to learn how to control your temper.  Step out of the situation, relax and tell yourself to calm down so you can deal with John more rationally.  I know you can do it.  You really just need to learn anger management.  Here, dry up those tears.”

He handed her a kleenex and then went on to explain to her a step-by-step plan for how she should deal with their son.  His wife looked over at me, her face hardened and her lips pursed angrily.  

“Is there something you want to say with that look?” I asked her, “Something you are asking me to say?”

“I know he means well,” she said, “But I am really hating him right now.”

I nodded.

When someone is expressing their feelings to us, one of the first things we all need to learn is how not to do anything and just listen, or mirror back.  All too often we feel the urge to respond, explain, justify, advise or apologize, i.e. offer the person something that hasn’t been asked for.  This has a tendency to frustrate the person who may feel like they have not been heard, or that they are being goaded into doing something they are not ready to do.  It is more often met with resistance or anger rather than gratitude.

The motivation to do something about a problem is an organic process; it usually arises naturally when just given space.

So give it space.

transference healing

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

~ The Cure

Question:

I was listening to an interview with Françoise Dolto, a famous French child psychoanalyst, and she said that transference* was necessary for psychological healing to take place.  Do you think the same is true for adults?

Great question!

First of all I agree that, yes, in order for therapy to be healing, transference has to occur.  It works the same as an infected wound.  It has to be opened in order to heal again.  In psychological terms, this means regressing to the emotional stage when a trauma first transpired.  Transference facilitates that process. 

But there are various paths to healing.  Psychoanalysis is one path, but it is long and arduous and does not work for everyone.  EMDR is another path.  EMDR facilitates regression but without transference onto the therapist.  It is immediate and effective, but it is not a path that is suitable to complex relational trauma.  Couple therapy is IMHO the most promising path of all.  It is relationally-based, accessible to anyone, and more efficient than psychoanalysis.  Why?  Because, if we are in a love relationship, we have probably regressed to exactly where we need to be in order to be healed from past wounds.  Transference, in other words, has already occurred. 

That said, not all wounds need to be treated with therapy.  Getting hurt is a normal part of human existence and, given time, most wounds will heal all by themselves.  

"The way out of suffering is through it."

~Anonymous

*transference is the unconscious projection of feelings (usually those felt for a parent when one was a child) onto another person, causing the transposition of past interpersonal dynamics onto the present such that one’s childhood drama is re-enacted.