taking down and restoring walls

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
~Step 2, 12 Steps

The first obstacle to recovery is defensive denial. It's like a wall. Life is being smashed by a wrecking ball but the addict refuses to see any evidence of crumbling.  As he keeps using, the wrecking ball keeps pounding. Eventually, the addict can no longer deny the health issues, unpaid bills, and lost relationships. The debts he owes are mounting.  Still he refuses to quit.  Instead he begins to bargain, vowing to use less or only "recreationally", trying to trick himself into believing that he and the addiction can find a way to cohabit even though little holes in his wall are showing up everywhere. Progressively, without his consent, the wall between him and the truth breaks down. As in the third stage of grief, now there is rage at the undeniable reality that he cannot continue in this way without severe consequences. Something's gotta give.

As the wall collapses and the addict is exposed, if he hasn't died or ended up in jail, he is forced to surrender.  By accepting the reality of his demise, and with a true willingness to reclaim his life and integrity, the addict begins the process of recovery.  He seeks to be restored, if not to the exact person he was prior to his addiction, then to sanity.  He begins to walk away, free.

Those around the addict have their own recovery to undergo.  It is similar to his process, and equally hard, but goes sort of in reverse; reversing the 5 Stages of Grief.  They entered into relationship taking the addict at face value, as a real person, expecting availability and reciprocity; unprotected.  But, like Pinocchio, his promises were wooden and his heart hard. They tolerated unacceptable behaviour, and ended up a mere shadow of their former selves, a puddle of emotions.  Whereas the addict's wall hid the truth, they lacked one. They were vulnerable and exposed. What now lies in store for them, in their process of recovery, is rebuilding that wall, unbreaking the cup that held them, to restore their integrity and sanity. It is the reverse of the addict's process and begins with non-acceptance, moving through sadness and anger to ripen into the courage to make an ultimatum: they will partner again with the addict on only one condition, that he "proves himself brave, truthful and unselfish... and becomes a real boy."*.  The co-addict detaches by building a wall. This is their freedom.

*Blue Fairy; Pinocchio

help! my anorexic daughter won't eat!

Question:

We really don't know what to do about Amanda’s anorexia at this point.  We saw the nutritionist on Tuesday and Amanda participated reluctantly.  She tells me she’s been eating everything but her sister told me privately that Amanda barely eats when I am not around and that this morning she didn’t have breakfast.

We know she's lied to us plenty in the past few months.  I can tell her that I think she's not being truthful with me but, if she denies it (she can really put on an act), I'm not sure what else to do.  I can't put her sister in the middle of this but I feel like we have to tell Amanda that we know that she has lied. 

At this point, she's decided not to take anti-depressants, she isn't complying with the eating plan, and I’m worried she’s going to end up right back in the hospital.  Basically, she has to choose to start trying to actually get better. 

Do you think I should confront her with her behavior?

Answer:

It’s really hard to know what to do sometimes...

Why don't you tell Amanda that you have doubts about her commitment to getting better and that you need to know where she stands on her own treatment and recovery.  If she says she's committed to the process, don’t try to confront her with any lies or hearsay.  Encourage her to continue trying; and let it go.  If Amanda is lying, the truth will eventually emerge because she will be weighed during her medical appointments and any weight loss will become apparent over time.  If Amanda responds that she is not committed to getting better or is struggling, let her know that she may be hospitalized again if she loses more weight, and that this will merely postpone her recovery.  

Either way, you have to let Amanda face the consequences of her choices and behavior.  Ambivalence around autonomy is a major struggle for anorexics and Amanda has to work it out in order to move forward.  If you take it upon yourself to get her to eat, you will perpetuate an unhealthy dependency on you.  I know it’s tricky because her behavior is irresponsible and, as her mom, your instinct is to step in; but she has to own her life.  

In terms of her sister, you are right to not involve her.  Amanda may be baiting you by telling her sister “secrets” that will make it back to you, and it is best not to encourage any indirect communication. What Amanda says is less important than what she actually does.