therapist neutrality

Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
~ George Bernard Shaw

Many individuals expect therapists to resolve conflict by taking sides.  But therapy does not work that way.

A therapist is not qualified to tell you what to do; she holds no degree in right and wrong.  If she wants to pose as a moral authority, take sides in a conflict or tell people what to do, she is in the wrong business.  She should take up preaching or law enforcement instead.

A therapist is no substitute for the voice of God, Reason or Fairness.  Rather, she helps clients find their own voices and the solutions that feel good, right or fair to them.  

Most people are relieved to hear this.  They don’t want a therapist telling them what to do or taking sides.  Others, not so much.  They only want neutrality when their therapist is hearing someone else’s side, but agreement when hearing their own.  They have a mandate and want results: get my wife to stay in the marriage, make my kids respect me.  Change their minds or… you’re fired!  They want the therapist to eradicate the problem by changing someone else.  

But therapists are not hit men who take care of conflict this way.  They are more like doulas  assisting in the organic process of human growth, facilitators of change.

Sometimes growth means allowing others room to grow themselves, even if we do not like what they are becoming.  Sometimes it means adapting to situations we cannot change by changing our strategies or ourselves instead.

In fact, change is what therapy is all about.
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author's note (added April 11, 2106): neutrality applies only within a framework of non-violence.  Most therapists use some some variation of non-violent communication to guarantee safety during sessions.  Therapist neutrality does not mean enabling aggression, including passive aggression.

Codependent, or just miserable?

Not to hate, not to weep, but to understand

~ Baruch Spinoza

So many people come to me for help between relationships saying they want to “fix" themselves before getting involved with someone new.  

I say, “What?”  

They say, “Yeah, I think I’m codependent or something.  I’m miserable alone, and I’m afraid I’ll get involved with the wrong person again out of desperation”.

Here’s what I answer:

First of all, in a way, everybody’s broken, everyone’s got baggage.  That’s life.  There is no ‘fixing’ it.  

Second, emotional dependency, or being miserable outside of a relationship, is not pathological.  Any human being who is not at least a little dependent on others for their happiness is not much of a human being.

Third, you may indeed find yourself attracted to someone similar to the person you left behind, but there are ways of making sure you do not make the same mistakes again, by gaining insight into your strengths and weaknesses, becoming more skilled at setting boundaries, and asserting your needs to make better choices. 

But it’s not about “fixing” you.

See these plants here?  [I have lots of plants in my office]  They don’t change.  They grow, but they don’t change.  Just like us.

So please do not try to “fix” (change or improve) yourself.  Figure out who you are, what your needs are, and try to create the optimal conditions for your thriving.

In a nutshell, it’s about getting the life (and love) you want.  Just as you are.

Heads up

Hell is others
~Sartre

Yesterday I wrote a blog post on Reflections about a friend who jumped into deep water to save another man’s life.   He did so without thinking, based on trust, the heart of altruism.

In this blog post I am going to talk about the man my friend tried to save, the one who was drowning, who grabbed my friend and pulled him under. 

For some of us, relating to others is fraught with danger.  Maybe we were abused as children, or our caregivers’ love was conditional on their own satisfaction and we were used to make them feel good.  Or maybe we were just born that way: afraid of losing ourselves.  Whatever the reason, some of us grew up with the feeling of a hole where our hearts are, a void that remains difficult if not impossible for us to satisfy. 

Where relationships represent an answer to existential isolation- promising connection, love and fulfillment-, for those of us with a sense of void in our hearts, relating to others only deepens the wound, and increases our sense of alienation, of feeling separate and alone.
  
Desperate for healing yet unable to heal in relationship, we may search for palliative remedies in the form of extraordinary states, extreme feelings and heightened levels of consciousness.  But none of these permanently fills the void within us, and we end up in a constant, fruitless search for that elusive fix.  Like Sisyphus, we are damned to constantly push a boulder up a steep incline only to return to the bottom every time we reach the top.  We may turn to drugs, meditation or other means of transcending our misery.  The word depression means to dip or press down, but ours is a particular kind of depression: a dark and bottomless pit, the converse of our infinitely steep climb.

Because we are so heart-weak, we use others for an emotional transfusion to fortify us.  This makes us feel good.  But when we get into a conflict and stop feeling good, we have a hard time owning any thoughts, feelings, stories, and especially any errors, that remind us of that gaping inner lack.  We cannot compromise.  Someone else will have to do that.

Basically, since our fix must be in terms of an increase in our personal power, giving that up is simply not an option.

Altruism is a form of the word alter meaning other, l’autre, as in “ l‘enfer, c’est les autres.”  Altruism is the hallmark of those stable enough to put themselves aside and show up for someone else.  This is relating.  For those whose constant focus is themselves, others are hell, a drain on scarce resources.  There can be no relating.

What is your focus, where is your center?  Do you tend to be the donor or the receiver?  And perhaps more importantly: do others agree with you?

But I love him

Many people come to my office confused about whether or not to stay in a relationship.  They report a sad, conflict-filled marriage with neither person feeling very fulfilled and say they want to leave, but cannot because they still “love” their partner. 

 

Here is what I say to them.

There are three legs supporting any relationship: attachment, compassion and happiness.  A relationship can stand on any of them alone or on all three, but only one of them can sustain a good relationship.

Attachment is the quality of being psychologically intertwined, sometimes to a very deep level, with another person.  Being attached can elicit oceanic feelings of connection or completion.  But it can also cause us to panic when the person we are attached to leaves, or fly into a rage when he or she pushes our buttons.  Attachment can run deep, but it doesn’t always give us the warm fuzzies.

Compassion is the selfless love of a mother for her child, the kind of love embodied by Christian love or by what the Greeks called agape.  It is quite simply the unconditional love that would make you stand in front of a train or gun to save someone else.  It is a beautiful heart-wrenching love that tenderizes our hearts and makes us human.

Happiness is the quality of feeling fulfilled.  In a happy relationship, you get along well on a daily basis.  Not only do your values fit, your routines do.  The relationship works because you are happy, and vice versa.  And happiness would be the leg to stand on, if you have the choice.  The other two, attachment and compassion, are intense but are not necessarily fulfilling, let alone predictors of relationship success.   

When you are with someone that makes you happy, you stay because you like being with him or her, not because you feel like you have to look after him or because it is too hard for you to leave her.  

So, instead of asking yourself if you love him, better to ask: Are you happy with him?

Sorry (no ifs, ands or buts)

Your partner wants an apology.    

You begin:

“Sorry, honey...“

Then add:

“If I hurt you”

“But I didn’t mean to”

“And It wasn’t my fault”

Better to stop at sorry than to tag on an if, and or but.  These make your apology about defending or excusing yourself, wiping the slate clean for your own sake rather than your partner’s.

Saying sorry isn't about dodging blame so I can feel better about myself.  It's about expressing regret that I've hurt you so you can feel better about me.

show some respect!

Respect yourself and others will respect you

~Confucius

Question:

How do I get others to respect me?

Answer :

I’m asked this question regularly; by parents in regards to their children, children in regards to their parents, by women in regards to men, and men in regards to women…

Everyone wants to know how to stop people from treating them in ways they don’t like.  They figure there must be something they can say or do to get them to change.

But they can’t.  Not anymore than posting the rules in my house can get anyone who enters my home to obey them.

I always ask people, “Who’s the only person you can control?”  And everyone always answers, “Myself” but then expects others to stop doing something they don't like when they ask them.

But it doesn’t work like that.  Even if you ask them politely, using your scary voice, or a megaphone.

So how do you get others to respect you?  By respecting yourself.

That means: if someone is treating you in ways you don’t like, then leave, end the conversation, hang up, go away, move into another room, whatever…  But don’t expect others to leave you alone, go away, shut up and do whatever you want them to.  Your boundaries are not their problem; they’re yours.   

Take care of your own boundaries and, if you don’t like how others are treating you, respect yourself and don't stick around.