passive aggressive you say?

Passive aggression is under-diagnosed as a relationship problem by marital therapists; maybe because we dismiss it as a “milder” form of aggression, or because “passive aggression” is the default position of many husbands in reaction to their wives’ over-functioning, or maybe our attempts at “therapist neutrality” translate in our offices into benign neglect of victims.

Whatever the reason, passive aggression is a form of exploitation; and we should not ignore it more than any other form of aggression.

It keeps targets on the hook of lateness, interrupted plans and broken promises or other ways of going suddenly incommunicado, repeatedly provoking feelings of abandonment, exasperation and betrayal, often made worse by the denial of any personal accountability by the saboteur.

Passive aggressors are constantly explaining their (in)action, apologizing for yet defending their blunders with excuses that boil down to some variation of “it wasn’t my fault” (the car broke down, the bus was late, I got an important phone call, other priorities came up, etc.) which, in their eyes, makes them beyond reproach.

Targets are trapped in a Catch-22: if they do not discharge their aggressor of responsibility, or insist on holding him accountable, or if they get angry-- watch out!  He will turn the tables and accuse them of groundlessly attacking him, or engage them in an endless debate on the philosophical meaning of the word “responsibility”, baiting them with hooks that go deeper and deeper, a kind of psychological torture.  But- woe is she who complains- for she will be accused of “reactive abuse”, an explosive but futile attempt at self-defense.

No wonder targets exhibit the same symptoms as battered women: hyper-vigilance, anxiety and depression, insomnia…

Colleagues, wake up!  Please.  Let's be proactive against passive aggression.

The grass can always be greener

Like everything else, relationships are what we put into them. 

Of course the right conditions are indispensable but, beyond that, you need to actively tend your relationship. 

This involves three things which I like to compare to lawn care: 

1)      Locating and addressing your “issues”.  This is the weeding part, and the bulk of what I teach couples in therapy.  Unfortunately, most couples do this aggressively and almost exclusively, leading to an immaculate, though usually bald, lawn.  Even when it is well done, however, weeding alone is not enough. 

2)      Doing things together.  This is the seeding and watering that strengthens and builds your “turf”, the je ne sais quoi which defines you as a couple.  You can do this by going to the movies or out for dinner, playing sports together, or even just sitting around and talking.   

3)      Fertilizing.  Take a few minutes each day to tell your partner what you love and appreciate about him or her.  By telling each other what you love about each other, you give each other something which makes you feel good and just plain deepens the good feelings between you.  This enriches your relationship immeasurably, at very little cost, making it a really outstanding and beautiful experience.

rated "r" for ready

What do you say to your kids on the sensitive topics of sex, war or death? 

Your children have to be receptive in order to take in information.  If they are not, and you share it with them anyway, the information may not sink in or, worse, may cause them cognitive or emotional distress.  Untimely sharing of information is a bit like force-feeding.  Don’t do it.  But don’t avoid hard topics or sugar-coat the truth either.  Your child is likely to sense your discomfort and blow the topic out of proportion, imagining the worst. 

With kids, if they can formulate a reasonable question on a topic, they are probably ready to accommodate a truthful answer.  This does not mean you have to share all of the truth.  If they ask where babies come from, you need not broach the topic of deviant sex.  If they ask about death, you need not unload your own fears and anxieties, or elaborate on your beliefs about the afterlife. If you do not know where to start with them, simply ask your children “what do you think?” and start there.

Don’t ever foist your own agenda onto a child.  This includes both avoiding a topic they are ready to talk about and sharing a truth they are not ready to hear.

Out of order

You feel depressed.  Your spouse comes up to you and asks “what’s wrong?” and you look at her blankly, thinking, “Where do I even begin?” and walk away.

Sometimes you just don’t feel like talking about your feelings. 

And you don’t have to.

But you can still let her know you’re not up to sharing your feelings just now, keeping her in the loop so she does not feel redundant, confused and abandoned by you.

This is communication. 

You do not have to share your feelings.  But if you want to stay in relationship, let others know when you are temporarily unavailable.