stunned

That is the word a friend used to aptly describe her response to losing her elderly mother: stunned, like by a bee that at first pricks and burns you, the sting of death soon numbs and even renders unconscious.

From the old French estoner, astonished... stoned!... it's hard to think or even breathe. Stunned.  An anaphylactic reaction to unprotected death.

They talk about the stages of grief, healing and "acceptance"; yet there is no recovery of how things used to be.  It is more like a gradual coming to (if you come to at all, because some never do); waking up to life with missing parts. You're "in shock", they say, as though you are missing something.  But, really, it is a new normal.

We think of grief as a chapter in life, as though loss were a moment on the continuum of something greater, but birth and death both dissolve in a mystery somewhere in the heart of that numbing, dumbing, stunning fact "your mother is dead".  That is the unavoidable truth.

communication; two sides of the mirror

There are two parts of good communication: sending and receiving.

Most people think receiving, otherwise known as listening, is the hard part and, in a way, it is; because in order to really listen, you have to put yourself aside.

Mirror listening is one way to do this.  By pausing to reflect back the messages we receive ("You said X, Y and Z"), we remain present to the person who is sharing an experience without being swallowed by our own.  We show the speaker we "got" him or her instead of contaminating his message with our own reactions in the form of interruptions, questions or comments, or any other verbal and non-verbal reactions to what is being shared.

By eliminating reactivity, mirroring connects people in conflict, and tension just melts away.  It is very soothing to be heard in this way.
 

But listening is just one half of good communication. The other half consists of course in successfully sharing or sending a message.

Any thought or feeling can be shared but, if we want to maintain connection to another human being, we must take great care in how we share, using a form that neither hurts nor offends the person we are talking to.  (It is in fact the form, not the content, of the message which is most important).

This can be done using I-statements which indicate that we know that everything we share (every thought, impression, feeling or reaction) belongs to me and me alone, and is a mere reflection of my own subjective experience, and not a fact I am imposing on you or something you have to agree with.  (Questions and you-statements, i.e. "why are you asking me now?" or "you are talking too much" instantly deflect attention away from me and can create conflict and disharmony, especially when experienced as attacks or criticism, which they usually are).

To show you humbly acquiesce to the reality and separateness of another human experience, it is necessary to both put yourself aside to mirror someone else and use I-statements to describe what is going on in yourself.

There are two sides to good communication: sending and receiving.  But the hardest part is humility.

Look after me and I will look after the rest

Recently, an exhausted caregiver came into my office wanting desperately to understand what well-meaning friends and family meant when they urged her to look after herself.  She said that she was confused because, if she looked after herself she was not looking after her loved one, abandoning her role as caregiver and, in her own mind at least, not caring for him.  She simply could not do that. 

Similarly, she found herself unable to delegate.  She said, “If I ask for help, and someone steps in for me, I will not be there for him.  I have to be there for him”.  She teared up, at a total loss.

Caregivers cannot just set aside their dependents without ceasing to be who they are.  They are attendants to someone else’s needs, other-centered, not self-centered.  For a caregiver to care for himself is… an oxymoron.  He cannot focus on himself.  It may not be for a lifetime, but it may well be for the duration of someone else’s life. 

Our conversation reminded of what my old mentor, Robert Misrahi, said about responsibility; that it comes from the word respond, to answer.  When one answers with one’s heart, it is a complete, whole person kind of experience.  It is an embodied gift, not the dry, robotic and rather empty offering which comes from a sense of duty or impersonal obligation.

If you are a caregiver and a friend asks you to look after yourself, explain that you cannot do that right now but maybe your friend can look after you a little so you can continue to be there for someone else. 

Individuality and relationship- PART TWO

I met someone recently who said he’d sacrificed his individuality in his previous marriage.  He used to defer to his wife, thinking that if he did what she asked, he would make her happy.  He thought this was the key to a successful marriage.  But his wife was unhappy, constantly complaining and criticizing.  In the end he was unable to satisfy her, and she rejected him and ended the relationship.

He left his marriage stripped of his identity, disconnected from all the things he used to like.  He had fallen into the “nice guy” trap and carried deep hurt around everything he had given up for his ex.

He stayed away from relationships for a while.

Now that he’s dating again, he’s scared of losing his individuality; and with good reason.  Nice guys usually end up either rejected by a chronically dissatisfied mate, or become chronically angry and resentful themselves.

So he’s trying to do what he wants when he wants; sticking to his plans and trying not to be swayed when he feels pressured by others’ needs (after all, he is a sensitive man).  This is not a bad strategy.  But it is still a defensive one.  And will likely drive away potential partners.

We need to avoid the extremes of personal sacrifice and ego-centrism, between negating our own needs and those of our partner’s.

But to do this we need to say what we want and need in an honest conversation.  This is something nice guys have a hard time doing.  But that is the necessary first step.

Individuality and relationship- PART ONE

A lot of people come into my office hoping they can fix themselves between relationships.  They think of therapy as a surgery or garage, a process that can reset your factory default settings before the screw-ups, before heartbreak, before hardship and scars.  They say, “I want to get healthy so I can have better relationships."

 

It doesn’t quite work that way.

On our own, we are one person.  In relationship, another.  (Unless we choose to remain a disconnected monad, a world unto ourselves, living in a parallel universe, i.e. not relating….)  

The only way to have a healthy relationship is to know ourselves, know our triggers and our past strategies, the ones that worked and the ones that didn’t, and try to do something different next time round.  We can figure that out in therapy but we cannot apply it.  It is like the difference between having a safe car and being a good driver.  

Relationships are where the rubber meets the road… 

red flags of covert narcissism?

Lately with Donald Trump running for President of the United States, there has been a lot of talk about narcissism. Trump’s flagrant displays are typical of overt narcissism. But there is another, more insidious, kind of covert narcissism which is just as (if not more) dangerous because it is skillfully concealed behind a deliberately cultivated mask of kindness.

Covert narcissists use kindness and caring to seduce and charm. They feed off making others feel good and cared for, not because it makes them happy but because it makes them feel strong. They hunger for power, and love to stir up emotions, getting off on others' reactions which they take as testimony to their profound influence. Once influence is secured, they get bored and withdraw because, like all narcissists, they are unable to form (and uninterested in forming) deeper attachments.

An overt narcissist can be easily spotted among lawyers, politicians and cops. He is the one acting belligerent, ugly and mean. But the covert hides out among the clergy, doctors, caregivers, masseurs, actors, chefs or others whose unsavoury intentions may be disguised, like the witch in her candy house or the wolf in grandma's clothing. This provides the perfect opportunity to groom unsuspecting targets before they go in for the kill.

The red flags of overt narcissism are obvious, that is why they are overt: grandiosity, self-importance, superficiality, lack of sensitivity to others’ feelings. But what are the red flags of the covert?

A covert red flag is an oxymoron.  

But counterfeit kindness cannot be sustained.  Beware of those who love too much too soon, or who become intimate and cultivate your dependency on them too quickly. Intimacy fosters bonds that are hard to break. This is the covert plan.

trying to get through

Question:
I am so tired of trying to get through to my husband.  I cannot seem to find the right words.  He wants to spend all his free time with his family and this really infuriates me. 

How do I help him understand why I feel that way?  Why do I feel so insecure?

Answer:
Once you have shared your feelings, it is not for you to get through to your husband.  It is for him to reach out and get you.  

You should not have to convince him of your feelings.  He should try to understand them.

You should not have to fight to be #1.  He should be trying to make you feel that way.  

You should not have to listen to how he feels divided between you and other obligations.  He should be reassuring you that you are more important than any of them.

Nobody should have to listen to how their partner feels divided between their love for you and other obligations, whether family, work, play or friends....  

We all have obligations.  But it is our responsibility to attend to them without making our loved ones feel like it is their problem.