after the affair

[Note to readers: all published exchanges are edited to remove any identifying information about the querent.]

Question: 
My wife and I separated because I had an affair.  Although I ended the affair as soon as she found out, my wife started seeing someone else as soon as we separated.

Now we both want to get back together.  I’m really happy about that, but my wife says she needs time to end her relationship with this new guy.  I want to give her the time she needs but the thing is: I can’t stop looking up her activities on Facebook, and I’m jealous, especially when I see her online at the same time he is, after she’s just told me she’s going to bed.  She isn’t.  She’s chatting with him!  We were making progress there for a while but now it seems to me like she has no real intention of stopping the relationship she has with this person.

I'm finding it really hard to deal with this situation and I wanted to get your opinion on how I can effectively set boundaries without it coming off as being inconsiderate or mean from my end.  

I feel as if I should just ask her what their status is and whether she has told him that she is strongly or seriously working things out between us.  Or maybe I should give her time to do it on her own without my mentioning it and seeming jealous. What do you think? 

Answer:
I can understand your distress!

The first thing I would advise you is: tell her how you feel.  By this I mean, not your observations or judgments of her, but your loving feelings for her, i.e. "I really care about you, I am not interested in any other woman and I want to be with you again".  Do not "confront" her about her stuff in a way that is harsh or judgmental.  She is probably scared about putting all her eggs in one basket with you again.

The second thing I would do is tell her that you cannot work on your relationship with her if she is seeing someone else, and that, if she is with you on going forward as a couple, you need to be exclusive and absolutely transparent with each other.  You will both have a lot of work to do to regain each other’s trust, and to do this you need to close the "exits” that you have used to escape intimacy.

Finally, and this may be the hardest thing for you to grasp (as it is for all of us when we find ourselves in situations beyond our control): setting boundaries is something you do on your own turf, not on hers.  The only person you can control is yourself.  You cannot tell her what to do or change her behavior, but you CAN change yours.  So, if it bothers you that she is on FB after having told you she is going to bed, then you should tell her that you cannot have a relationship based on deception and that you are withdrawing from the relationship until she ends it with the other guy.  You don’t need her to do anything, but you do need to act on your own sense of violated boundaries.  She will then have to decide if her relationship to you is important enough to change herself.

Hope that helps!

did I cheat?

[Note to readers: all published exchanges are edited to remove any identifying information about the querent.]

Question:

When I was dating my last boyfriend, our relationship came to a standstill.  We talked, and he suggested we take a time-out to think about it.  My boyfriend seemed hesitant about continuing with me and, although we hadn’t had sex in a while and the relationship was at best lukewarm, I found his suggestion insulting.  It was like he was breaking up with me but wanting to keep me on the back burner in case he couldn’t find anyone else.  It really pissed me off. 

A few days later, I went out with the girls.  I had a few drinks and realized that I had no more feelings for my boyfriend.  He’d hurt me, I’d lost respect for him, and it was over.  I made out with a guy I met at the bar.  It was nice to feel like someone was into me.  What a difference from my ex!

When he (my ex) eventually called after a couple of weeks, he suggested we remain friends, and I happily agreed.  I told him that, in a way, I was relieved because I knew he had already withdrawn from “us” and that we’d reached a point of no-return.  I told him that making out with someone else brought this home to me even more.  We could both do better.

Well, to my surprise, he was really offended.  He accused me of “cheating”! I didn't think I was cheating until he said that, and now I am second-guessing myself.  

Can you cheat on someone if, in your own mind, the relationship is over?  (I think you wrote somewhere that having an affair was indicative of a marital breakdown.  That’s exactly how I saw it, like our relationship was breaking down and my boyfriend was ditching me, and that I had every reason to try with someone else).

But, objectively speaking, on the basis of facts, is my situation “cheating”?

Answer:
Great question!

The way I see it is like this: betrayal is a subjective experience that cannot always be determined on the basis of facts alone.

If you've made an explicit promise to someone and then broken it, that would be objectively verifiable.  But most betrayals occur due to breaking implicit agreements and promises, and these are not so readily verified.

There are two different points of view to consider.  Yours and your ex-boyfriend's.

From your own point of view, as you said, you had "no more feelings” for your boyfriend so- for you- the relationship was over and, technically, you cannot betray a relationship that doesn't exist.

But there is also your boyfriend's point of view: was the relationship over for him, or was he still in it but just "thinking about it"?  If so, he was betrayed, whether you intended to betray him or not, just as you presumably felt betrayed by his unilaterally calling a time-out.

The truth is: when it comes to subjective experiences- one event experienced by two different people- there is no one truth.  There are at least two.  And, if we are ambivalent or confused, there may be even more.

re: what I said about affairs- a person may have a “reason” to want to look outside the marriage for satisfaction, but a reason does not make an affair less of a betrayal, unless of course your partner has already betrayed a promise, even an implicit one (for example, by abandoning you), which is in fact another way of exiting the relationship.

My advice: don't get hooked into trying to determine whether you were right or wrong according to some objective standard about “what cheating is”.  If you want to know the truth, consider everyone’s perspective.  Find out whether and how someone felt betrayed, and the part- if any- you or he played in that, whether intentionally or not.  That, in my opinion, is as close to the truth as you can get.

help! my anorexic daughter won't eat!

Question:

We really don't know what to do about Amanda’s anorexia at this point.  We saw the nutritionist on Tuesday and Amanda participated reluctantly.  She tells me she’s been eating everything but her sister told me privately that Amanda barely eats when I am not around and that this morning she didn’t have breakfast.

We know she's lied to us plenty in the past few months.  I can tell her that I think she's not being truthful with me but, if she denies it (she can really put on an act), I'm not sure what else to do.  I can't put her sister in the middle of this but I feel like we have to tell Amanda that we know that she has lied. 

At this point, she's decided not to take anti-depressants, she isn't complying with the eating plan, and I’m worried she’s going to end up right back in the hospital.  Basically, she has to choose to start trying to actually get better. 

Do you think I should confront her with her behavior?

Answer:

It’s really hard to know what to do sometimes...

Why don't you tell Amanda that you have doubts about her commitment to getting better and that you need to know where she stands on her own treatment and recovery.  If she says she's committed to the process, don’t try to confront her with any lies or hearsay.  Encourage her to continue trying; and let it go.  If Amanda is lying, the truth will eventually emerge because she will be weighed during her medical appointments and any weight loss will become apparent over time.  If Amanda responds that she is not committed to getting better or is struggling, let her know that she may be hospitalized again if she loses more weight, and that this will merely postpone her recovery.  

Either way, you have to let Amanda face the consequences of her choices and behavior.  Ambivalence around autonomy is a major struggle for anorexics and Amanda has to work it out in order to move forward.  If you take it upon yourself to get her to eat, you will perpetuate an unhealthy dependency on you.  I know it’s tricky because her behavior is irresponsible and, as her mom, your instinct is to step in; but she has to own her life.  

In terms of her sister, you are right to not involve her.  Amanda may be baiting you by telling her sister “secrets” that will make it back to you, and it is best not to encourage any indirect communication. What Amanda says is less important than what she actually does.