~ Shakespeare
A client came in feeling like a "lost cause" because he was constantly over-reacting to his wife. She'd say a certain thing, look at him a certain way and with a certain "tone"; and he'd growl, get up and walk away. He justified his behaviour by saying his wife was getting angry at him for no reason.
When his wife came in she denied being angry and was tired of his unfounded accusations. His defensiveness was destroying their marriage and, apparently, a lot of his other relationships too.
My client was misreading his wife's motives through the lens of his own traumatic past. Although he was trying to "let go" when he was triggered, he still perceived slights and criticism where there were none. Swallowing his emotions only ended up clogging his heart. When he wasn't exploding, he was imploding.
When my client started cleaning up the negative stories he was telling himself, he began to react more positively toward his wife. Tension between them disappeared, and his other relationships started going better as well.
Trying to change your heart without changing your mind is like trying to run a motor with a clogged filter. It goes nowhere fast.
Check your stories from time to time, and clean them up. Change your filter. It works!
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