heterogamous havoc (part one)

 Would you rather be right, or in a relationship?

~ unknown

I have a working template that helps me understand the genders. I have been wanting to share it publicly for a long time but hesitated because I didn't want to come across as sexist or reactionary. I finally decided that it has been valuable enough to me personally and professionally, that it is worth taking the risk.  

My working template is based on years of practice as a couple therapist. I call it the X/Y Theory, harking back to those graphs we drew in school composed of two axes (a horizontal X axis, and a vertical Y axis) upon which we plotted points depending on their X and Y values.

My theory is that, just as a point has a horizontal and a vertical value, so does an event in the world have both a "masculine" (Y) and "feminine" (X) value. Things with a high Y value tend to promote verticality: performance, provision and power, things that men traditionally seek and value. Things with a high X value tend to promote horizontality: compassion, connectedness and cooperation, things that women traditionally seek and value*. 

Regardless of gender, problems arise when the same event has a high value for one and a low value for the other: talking, for example. When two people get into a disagreement, one may want to seek mutual understanding by talking it through (high X value promoting connectedness), while the other may want to cut to the chase and fix the problem (high Y value promoting power).

There is no right way to solve this. We need to agree to disagree. This is the beginning of genuine empathy for each other. Instead of trying to be right or force my own truth, I accept your values as different from mine, and your truth as legitimate as my own. 

But there are limits to what can be valuable to pursue, even from my own X or Y perspective.

Pursuing what is valuable can lead to more complex dilemmas requiring a response other than relativism. There is a value that cuts through these axes that I call the Z value, and I will look at some real life examples of how it affects everything in part two...

*genderally speaking, men tend to value things that start with P as in potency, power, paternity, provision, production, performance, etc. Women, on the other hand, tend to value things that start with CO, as in collaboration, compliance, cohesiont or compassion. I do not think this is a coincidence. These prefixes convey the vertical or horizontal force of being over or being with, and these indeed reflect our traditional gender roles.