The smaurai drew his sword and Hakuin said:
"Here open the gates of hell!"
At these words the samurai, perceiving the master's discipline, put away his sword and bowed. And Hakuin said:
"Here open the gates of paradise".
~ from The Gates of Paradies (a Zen koan)
When you are hurt and want to tell your partner, say it gently, like someone who is hurting rather than someone who is demolishing a wall. Do not anticipate resistance by raising your voice or eyebrows, or wagging your finger menacingly because you fear your concerns will land on deaf ears. It is not necessary to shout to be heard (actually, whispering is more effective). Refrain from using you-statements and do not be afraid to expose your vulnerability just because you want to cut clean boundaries or expect impingement. If you brandish a sword or even sound defensive you are unlikely to meet with a sympathetic ear because you will have tweaked your partner's defenses.
Start with "I feel..." then really tell your partner how you feel, not what you think or what you fear or what you know to be true. There is no truth, just subjective reality, your inner landscape or vécu. Paint a portrait of it for your partner with your words and invite them in to take a look.
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