the bonds of betrayal

~ O serpent heart with a flowering face
Shakespeare (Romeo & Juliet)

With the drama of addiction, flying and crashing get progressively intertwined. Like the flower and the weed, the highs and lows start coming up together. You can no longer pull up one without the other but you keep trying, beyond your drug's ability to satisfy because it has become wired to pleasure in your brain even if, when you get a hit, now it delivers mostly pain.

This is the bond of betrayal: an insidious and progressive slavery to poisoned love.

What a phenomenal act of will to walk away! I've heard it takes months, or years, or never- it takes death- to finally break the cycle of addiction.

Even when you do walk away, they say the hand that delivers is not your own but the hand of God, a Higher Power, something greater than me, because- free to choose- I am yet powerless over my own desires. I choose only to give them up. And I mean UP.

Only then, in time (and I'm not there yet), will the hiccups of my heart stop threatening life, and my blood once again run clean.

* I have picked the caduceus as symbol for this blog post because, although it is ironically used as a symbol by physicians, it is actually a symbol of Hermes's staff, mediator between the upper and under worlds, having the power to make people fall asleep or wake them up; it was also carried by the messenger Mercury, guide of the dead and protector of merchants, liars and thieves!

release versus relief

Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is...
~ Alka Seltzer ad jingle

Anxiety is a kind of pressure, usually experienced when an emotion is being pushed down or repressed.  Although it is not itself an emotion, anxiety is definitely a state. It is inner tension, or stress.

There are two things that help with this.

One is to release it.  This is what is happening to the tablet in the glass of water pictured on the right. Passing from a solid to a gaseous state, inner tension is being released.  Words, actions or emotions, all these convert trapped energy into another state. They express it.

Relief is slightly different from release in that it does not convert trapped energy as much as minimize the tension around it.  It is like what a fizzy drink does for an upset stomach, shrinking gas bubbles so the stomach becomes less distended. If you're anxious and you go for a massage, take a hot bath, or pop an anti-inflammatory, all these relax the body so tension dissipates and you experience relief.

pause and mute

A rest is a musical notation sign that indicates the absence of a sound
~ Wikipedia

I've been giving some thought to the importance of silence.  This came up, strangely, when I realized that I could filter out unwanted Instagram "noise" simply by clicking a button.  I also recently learned on Zoom that you could press "mute" on yourself or others to prevent unwanted feedback.

In a musical composition, notation is used to tell musicians exactly how to play and when to pause, rest or mute their instruments. They need to follow the score, keep an eye on the conductor, listen and count- especially the rests- until it's time to come in. This ensures the overall harmony of individual sections.

As wonderful as it may feel to express ourselves, if we want to produce harmony instead of dissonance, music instead of noise, we need to take a page out of the musician's book, and treat silence as important as sound.

quarantine

Prison itself is a tremendous education in the need for patience and perseverance. It is above all a test of one's commitment
~ Nelson Mandela

A quarantine is enforced isolation to contain disease. It was first used in the 1600s when Venetian ships carrying the plague ("black death") were anchored off the mainland for 40 days.  The word quarantine comes from the Italian quaranta giorni, but has earlier roots that hark back to the temptation of Christ, when he isolated and fasted in the desert for 40 days.

As a boundary imposed by external authority, a quarantine can feel like a prison and trigger defiance or resignation.  It's stressful until I overcome the temptation to focus my energy on what is out of my control and focus it instead on what is, and that is: me.

It's tricky because there is a real tension between what is outside and what is inside, a real threat to my personal safety, health and freedom in the form of this nasty virus.  But I can still choose, within my limitations and whether I get the virus or not, to think of this quarantine as an opportunity for personal enrichment and growing my soul in whatever petri dish I'm stuck in.

I don't know about you but for me these growth opportunities always feel dark and stagnant. Until my heart breaks open.

I aspire to be like that prsioner of whom it was said by a friend who worked for the Kairos Prison Ministry: He is the freest man I know.

running on fire

If you're going through hell, keep going
~Winston Churchill

Walk; don't run
~ common sense

I'm all about identifying triggers.  If I know what sets me off, I can avoid it.  That is half the battle.  Prevention.  Sometimes that is the whole battle, if it stops there.

But many times it doesn't.  I can stumble into situations that set me off like a meteor hitting the atmosphere.  It's like a chemical reaction.  Suddenly, I'm on fire!

That's not a fun place to be.  Loss of self-control.  Very damaging.  Potentially very embarrassing too.

I dare say I'm not alone.  I think it is quite human.

The only antidote I've found is self-awareness.  If you have an addiction, name it.  If you have a weakness, claim it.  If you have done wrong, own it.  Own it.  Own it.  Own it.

Humility.

It's not a one-time deal either.  It's an ongoing practice. (Funny how we have to get small to grow up).  That's tough because we're wired to protect our egos. Running on fire instead of getting to know the enemy within, and putting it out.

But so worth it.

the myth of letting go

I like to begin my blog with a quote but there are SO many about letting go- of the past, resentment, troublesome people or painful situations... If it hurts, they say, just... let it go.

That seems logical enough.  If the stove is hot, remove your hand. But, when it comes to things that have a hold on us, useless. We can't let go.  All the wisdom in the world won't allow us to.  Why? Because we're powerless.

It's a bit like trying to let go of a live wire. Your grip latches around it while you get electrocuted.  Let go?  You wish...

There is a Zen koan somewhere that says it well: you can't move forward, you can't go backward, you can't stay in place.  What can you do??

Nothing.

There is no letting go.  There is no waiting, humility or surrender.  There is powerlessness.  Giving up; but this is not within your power to decide.

There is nothing to do; except avoid getting into high voltage situations in the future.  Stop touching live wires (or keep getting sizzled.) But know this: once you do, letting go is not an option.

change your filter

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
~ Shakespeare

A client came in feeling like a "lost cause" because he was constantly over-reacting to his wife.  She'd say a certain thing, look at him a certain way and with a certain "tone"; and he'd growl, get up and walk away.  He justified his behaviour by saying his wife was getting angry at him for no reason.

When his wife came in she denied being angry and was tired of his unfounded accusations.  His defensiveness was destroying their marriage and, apparently, a lot of his other relationships too.

My client was misreading his wife's motives through the lens of his own traumatic past. Although he was trying to "let go" when he was triggered, he still perceived slights and criticism where there were none.  Swallowing his emotions only ended up clogging his heart.  When he wasn't exploding, he was imploding.

When my client started cleaning up the negative stories he was telling himself, he began to react more positively toward his wife.  Tension between them disappeared, and his other relationships started going better as well.

Trying to change your heart without changing your mind is like trying to run a motor with a clogged filter.  It goes nowhere fast.

Check your stories from time to time, and clean them up.  Change your filter.  It works!